[ID: behind a haze or fog, a landscape with a background of blue mountains and cloudy sky, and a foreground of hills, grass, rocks, towns, a forking river, and trees. The word “discussion” is in capitalized yellow letters, and “week one” is in smaller, black handwritten script.]
Share something (thoughts, feelings, memories, lessons) about salient (present, impactful) conflicts in your life, community, or world. If you can, consider sharing both generative conflicts (giving energy, meaning, growth) and destructive conflicts (taking energy, disrupting meaning, causing harm). Discuss with each other (without judgment) how these conflicts may be connected on the map of our global web of relations.
A struggle that's salient in my life right now- I'm working to lose weight. I have a heart condition, and a kid, and I don't want the former to keep me from living long enough to care for the latter.
Losing weight as a leftist feels contentious- diet culture is fat shaming, is sexist, is ableist, and prioritizes an aesthetic of hegemonic whiteness, and I'm kind of struggle not to recapitulate that in how I approach weight loss and strength training. I've witnessed how fat people experience shaming and bias and discrimination in healthcare settings. On the other hand, I see a conflict I have trouble reconciling- folks I respect share memes about how attempting to lose weight is always disordered eating, or always enacting patriarchal violence, or claiming that weight has no impact on health, all of these things are some combination of things I would contest and things that make me feel bad.
I know that on some level I have internalized fatphobia, (that I'd rather have a flat belly instead of a round one), some of it aesthetic, some of it practical - (longevity, a desire not to have to buy larger clothes, and a sense that I'll want to be at optimal health to endure potential bad times ahead.)
I know that this whole thing is fraught, it comes with a lot of lived experience of angst and suffering and shame. I also feel like we're doing a disservice to ourselves by pretending that being fat is (outside of being shamed for it) an entirely benign or neutral presence in someone's life. While fat people don't need to be shamed or reminded of health impacts, I consider it harmful to pretend that carrying extra weight won't contribute to things like chronic pain. Which, again, isn't to say that folks should shamed or refused access to proper healthcare for being fat; just that in a world where I were slightly more convinced of my friends' position I would scoff at my Dr.'s recommendation that I lose weight, and that might take years of care away from my kid.
So, I guess, two conflicts. One intra and one inter, and both against the backdrop of systematic issues.
Thank you all for this thread! This is something I often struggle to reconcile as well; not so much myself, but in how my family members talk about an aunt who has been of a heavier weight all her life and is now facing recurrent health issues. My family definitely articulates tenets of internalized fatphobia (i.e., chalking it up to my aunt's individual choices putting her in her current position, etc); and the disregard for people like my aunt within the healthcare system (i.e., how they are often failed and seen as "disposable" b/c of their weight) is all too clear. However, I sometimes can't help but wonder if there is some truth (strictly scientifically, medically speaking) to the idea that losing weight can be beneficial for health purposes, as Alex mentioned above. It goes without saying that I care for my aunt and want her to live many more years (similarly to how Alex placed this conflict within the idea of care for a child in later years). It is indeed a very difficult thing to reconcile while also being aware of the harms fatphobia and ableism have conditioned our society to.
Thanks for sharing that Alex. What I'm hearing from what you're saying is that there are multiple truths: the truth that losing weight is in your personal physical best interest and also that there is pervasive fatphobia in our society that (wrongly) shames people into weight loss. One of the great difficulties in conflict is finding a way to hold both of those truths in our day-to-day practice, e.g. engaging in your own physical health journey, while acknowledging that it sits within a harmful framework of body image. Being able to articulate this openly is a really important step in that process.
Wow thank you so much for sharing this! I am conflicted in almost the exact ways you described and it’s feels good to be somewhere where this can be explored in a non judgmental and non defensive way.
Thank you luna for creating this space and all who are sharing. This month has been my time to reassess relationships. I'm experiencing a stack of intrapersonal conflicts about this: I have long term relationships I cherish, with friends/family who struggle and desire a safer future, but have eventually come to support ideas or make moves that are harmful to me or someone else I love. This is generative because it stretches me in my capacity to love and relate to others (and to choose) while maintaining myself, deepens my understanding of myself and needs, and clarifies the dynamics. Boundaries! It also hurts when it creates distance I don't feel safe crossing, is shocking, or makes me feel unseen. It can feel destabilizing and also grounding.
I've had a couple destructive conflicts in these relationships too, which I feel came up out of those undercurrents and shifts. One of them (mild physical violence): a trusted family member pushed me and threatened (specifically and graphically) to hurt me after I stated I wanted to leave a conversation. He is in a position of power over me. It took too long to resolve that conflict and damage has been done there. This one is more confusing on the intrapersonal level.
Having so much of this come up at once feels timely. It has me thinking about a lot - how relationships tell us more about our past, present and future selves/where we are in each moment, how they reflect broader human relations, how I can feel more or less whole to a certain person, how important it is to lean into intrapersonal conflict, what types of direct/indirect impact my personal growth has on those around me, or how unpredictable the reactions I get can be, and in general I have a lot of curiosity about the inner landscape and how we are constantly relating to each other on that deeper level whether aware of it in the moment or not. I think that last aspect could be very important in the big picture.
Ely, I so appreciate the insight you have about how a single relationship or set of relationships can simultaneously contain generative and destructive conflict ad how so much of this may be going on outside of our awareness. I'm sorry that you experienced that physical violence. It sounds like you're exploring what these relationships mean to you and how to engage, in really meaningful ways.
A huge conflict I currently think a lot about as someone searching for a new job is what presents as a newfound desire to promote “equity, diversity, and inclusion” at organizations, companies, government agencies, and institutions. Since early summer, I’ve noticed a ton of job postings explicitly naming racism, racial equity, and cultural humility. This seems like an amazing thing at face value, but the conflict lies in the action happening or not happening behind the job descriptions and “Statements of Solidarity.” An organization can be explicit about its desire to be diverse and inclusive, but the intentions and the willingness, or lack thereof, to use resources, time, and money to work toward a more equitable institution can breed harmful results. If the photo tiles on an organization’s “About” page do not reflect the community it serves, there is a reason for it. If changes aren’t made to address those factors or that environment, an innate conflict lies in their attempts and desires to diversify and the effects and traumas those actions have the potential to bring upon the POC they might bring in to reach their goal. The word goal is used purposefully here, because in my experience many organizations treat their “Equity Initiatives” as a goal that they can one day reach and move on from, when equity is something to be recommitted to with every decision made, forever.
Something that has me thinking about this a lot is the development of "working groups" and "committees" and "task forces" on racism/racial equity. In my view, these committees are often given no actual power to implement the systemic changes they "recommend," and are created as a way to temper conflict and dissent among workforces who want meaningful change. When they ask (or demand) that change, the leaderhip say "oh bring that to the working group" or "the working group is on it."
I like this thread a lot, and the discussion about "working groups," "task forces," etc. specifically. This is a similar situation to the one I'm currently facing at my place of work; during a virtual meeting last week on the company's newly-created racial justice task force, I couldn't help but think that the Black women and women of color they had "trotted out" to speak were so *tired* of doing this kind of thing for their white colleagues: who, in short, can be summed up as saying, "Oh, we don't see and value you regularly, but please come speak to us about your experiences so that we can do better." Recognizing that and the fact that those women likely have gone their whole lives doing the same thing *outside of their workplaces* as well made the token-ness of it all feel pretty perverse. I remember I left the meeting feeling disillusioned between the need to strive for racial justice within the workplace and yet how the task force itself is just another manifestation of the systems the company claims it is trying to dismantle.
Dealing with this exact situation at my current place of work, which breeds another conflict.. do I stay and use my privilege to try and improve this system or make a move to somewhere that hopefully facilitates positive change with less resistance?
Hi Ali, you bring up really good points. A lot of organizations want diversity, because it is a buzzword right now and are concerned more with their image rather than their foundation. I want organizations to adapt and foster safe environments for more people structurally. Many organizations seem superficial in a time where marginalized people (be it for their gender, race, sexuality, disabilities, etc.) desire protection and agency. Random Example: While I appreciate cis allies at work putting their pronouns in their email signature (which IS a very good thing), will those cis allies still help push for bylaws or policies protecting against trans discrimination? What about white coworkers wanting to address societal racial equity, but still failing to form healthy relationships with coworkers of color? I think organizations who do genuinely care about marginalized people must have a foundation that protects marginalized people enough they felt comfortable openly communicating with others. That would certainly help me in different environments.
Thank you Saba, for starting the conversation. I wanted to show everyone that I am logged in and here for the discussion if folks want to use this time to discuss. The discussion will also be up all week if this isn't a good time for folks.
Thanks so much for the first post - was great to read ahead of this week! I thought I'd leave a comment now as 6pm EST is 11pm for me (London) and I will be fast asleep... Over the past 18 months, I've been doing weekly/daily anti-oppression work, as well as speaking up against racism, discrimination, immigration and also discussing my past trauma experiences. I suffer with C-PTSD and recently was triggered and had a wobble - so I've been going in deep to find out what is going on and why - I can see the pattern of behaviour and it's as if I have no control over my mind. Speaking to my mentor a few days ago, she mentioned that perhaps my anti-oppression work meant I was becoming less tolerant of certain behaviour and, when I can't speak out such as a work situation, it's raising my anxiety and I'm easily stressed out. I wondered if anyone dealt with similar circumstances and what potentially worked for them. Thanks x
Hi Saba, I've definitely had situations where dealing with inequality (specifically violent rhetoric) at work increases my anxiety. I've got PTSD from childhood trauma and frequently felt like I could not express my autonomy at home & felt unsafe on a regular basis. I am trans, but closeted at work and had my boss confide in me before that he "doesn't 'agree'" with 'modern' views on gender. Because I do not want to be mistreated, I have obviously been more unsure about coming out at work and did have a period where I was incredibly anxious about how to tackle the situation. I still have reoccurring anxiety as I try to figure out what I want my next steps forward to be in my career here. That said, I just want to reiterate that I think it's 'normal' to feel anxious in a space that is oppressive and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with YOU. It's the environment we live in. Sadly too, ignorance is kind of bliss. Sometimes, people have a certain privilege where they aren't aware an environment is oppressive and then become aware/woke as they learn more, which I think happens to a lot of people in general and specifically activists. I think we have to find ways to take care of ourselves as a community and foster healthy safe spaces.
Sorry for a delayed response I think I lost yesterday! Thanks so much for your message and your experience resonates in many ways. I can’t imagine having to repress who you are because of your work situation - it’s wrong that you can’t be yourself openly and freely without the fear of being mistreated. I’ve done a little work on trans awareness and am very aware of the many obstacles faced and often speak up against trans and non-binary discrimination.
Agree about the anxiety under oppressed circumstances and thanks for reminding me it’s not about me, it is society and individuals too quick to judge! I’m all for safe spaces and I think it’s really important that people know they are not alone, conflict happens – it’s part of life, it’s how we deal with it and ensuring we have a safe and solid support circle – even one person is enough.
Looks like this space will be a good start to discussing conflict, it’s causes and sharing the tools that help us 😊
CW: Food, weightloss.
A struggle that's salient in my life right now- I'm working to lose weight. I have a heart condition, and a kid, and I don't want the former to keep me from living long enough to care for the latter.
Losing weight as a leftist feels contentious- diet culture is fat shaming, is sexist, is ableist, and prioritizes an aesthetic of hegemonic whiteness, and I'm kind of struggle not to recapitulate that in how I approach weight loss and strength training. I've witnessed how fat people experience shaming and bias and discrimination in healthcare settings. On the other hand, I see a conflict I have trouble reconciling- folks I respect share memes about how attempting to lose weight is always disordered eating, or always enacting patriarchal violence, or claiming that weight has no impact on health, all of these things are some combination of things I would contest and things that make me feel bad.
I know that on some level I have internalized fatphobia, (that I'd rather have a flat belly instead of a round one), some of it aesthetic, some of it practical - (longevity, a desire not to have to buy larger clothes, and a sense that I'll want to be at optimal health to endure potential bad times ahead.)
I know that this whole thing is fraught, it comes with a lot of lived experience of angst and suffering and shame. I also feel like we're doing a disservice to ourselves by pretending that being fat is (outside of being shamed for it) an entirely benign or neutral presence in someone's life. While fat people don't need to be shamed or reminded of health impacts, I consider it harmful to pretend that carrying extra weight won't contribute to things like chronic pain. Which, again, isn't to say that folks should shamed or refused access to proper healthcare for being fat; just that in a world where I were slightly more convinced of my friends' position I would scoff at my Dr.'s recommendation that I lose weight, and that might take years of care away from my kid.
So, I guess, two conflicts. One intra and one inter, and both against the backdrop of systematic issues.
Thank you all for this thread! This is something I often struggle to reconcile as well; not so much myself, but in how my family members talk about an aunt who has been of a heavier weight all her life and is now facing recurrent health issues. My family definitely articulates tenets of internalized fatphobia (i.e., chalking it up to my aunt's individual choices putting her in her current position, etc); and the disregard for people like my aunt within the healthcare system (i.e., how they are often failed and seen as "disposable" b/c of their weight) is all too clear. However, I sometimes can't help but wonder if there is some truth (strictly scientifically, medically speaking) to the idea that losing weight can be beneficial for health purposes, as Alex mentioned above. It goes without saying that I care for my aunt and want her to live many more years (similarly to how Alex placed this conflict within the idea of care for a child in later years). It is indeed a very difficult thing to reconcile while also being aware of the harms fatphobia and ableism have conditioned our society to.
Thanks for sharing that Alex. What I'm hearing from what you're saying is that there are multiple truths: the truth that losing weight is in your personal physical best interest and also that there is pervasive fatphobia in our society that (wrongly) shames people into weight loss. One of the great difficulties in conflict is finding a way to hold both of those truths in our day-to-day practice, e.g. engaging in your own physical health journey, while acknowledging that it sits within a harmful framework of body image. Being able to articulate this openly is a really important step in that process.
Realizing that I don't necessarily have to reconcile them feels pretty good.
Wow thank you so much for sharing this! I am conflicted in almost the exact ways you described and it’s feels good to be somewhere where this can be explored in a non judgmental and non defensive way.
Thank you luna for creating this space and all who are sharing. This month has been my time to reassess relationships. I'm experiencing a stack of intrapersonal conflicts about this: I have long term relationships I cherish, with friends/family who struggle and desire a safer future, but have eventually come to support ideas or make moves that are harmful to me or someone else I love. This is generative because it stretches me in my capacity to love and relate to others (and to choose) while maintaining myself, deepens my understanding of myself and needs, and clarifies the dynamics. Boundaries! It also hurts when it creates distance I don't feel safe crossing, is shocking, or makes me feel unseen. It can feel destabilizing and also grounding.
I've had a couple destructive conflicts in these relationships too, which I feel came up out of those undercurrents and shifts. One of them (mild physical violence): a trusted family member pushed me and threatened (specifically and graphically) to hurt me after I stated I wanted to leave a conversation. He is in a position of power over me. It took too long to resolve that conflict and damage has been done there. This one is more confusing on the intrapersonal level.
Having so much of this come up at once feels timely. It has me thinking about a lot - how relationships tell us more about our past, present and future selves/where we are in each moment, how they reflect broader human relations, how I can feel more or less whole to a certain person, how important it is to lean into intrapersonal conflict, what types of direct/indirect impact my personal growth has on those around me, or how unpredictable the reactions I get can be, and in general I have a lot of curiosity about the inner landscape and how we are constantly relating to each other on that deeper level whether aware of it in the moment or not. I think that last aspect could be very important in the big picture.
Ely, I so appreciate the insight you have about how a single relationship or set of relationships can simultaneously contain generative and destructive conflict ad how so much of this may be going on outside of our awareness. I'm sorry that you experienced that physical violence. It sounds like you're exploring what these relationships mean to you and how to engage, in really meaningful ways.
A huge conflict I currently think a lot about as someone searching for a new job is what presents as a newfound desire to promote “equity, diversity, and inclusion” at organizations, companies, government agencies, and institutions. Since early summer, I’ve noticed a ton of job postings explicitly naming racism, racial equity, and cultural humility. This seems like an amazing thing at face value, but the conflict lies in the action happening or not happening behind the job descriptions and “Statements of Solidarity.” An organization can be explicit about its desire to be diverse and inclusive, but the intentions and the willingness, or lack thereof, to use resources, time, and money to work toward a more equitable institution can breed harmful results. If the photo tiles on an organization’s “About” page do not reflect the community it serves, there is a reason for it. If changes aren’t made to address those factors or that environment, an innate conflict lies in their attempts and desires to diversify and the effects and traumas those actions have the potential to bring upon the POC they might bring in to reach their goal. The word goal is used purposefully here, because in my experience many organizations treat their “Equity Initiatives” as a goal that they can one day reach and move on from, when equity is something to be recommitted to with every decision made, forever.
Something that has me thinking about this a lot is the development of "working groups" and "committees" and "task forces" on racism/racial equity. In my view, these committees are often given no actual power to implement the systemic changes they "recommend," and are created as a way to temper conflict and dissent among workforces who want meaningful change. When they ask (or demand) that change, the leaderhip say "oh bring that to the working group" or "the working group is on it."
I like this thread a lot, and the discussion about "working groups," "task forces," etc. specifically. This is a similar situation to the one I'm currently facing at my place of work; during a virtual meeting last week on the company's newly-created racial justice task force, I couldn't help but think that the Black women and women of color they had "trotted out" to speak were so *tired* of doing this kind of thing for their white colleagues: who, in short, can be summed up as saying, "Oh, we don't see and value you regularly, but please come speak to us about your experiences so that we can do better." Recognizing that and the fact that those women likely have gone their whole lives doing the same thing *outside of their workplaces* as well made the token-ness of it all feel pretty perverse. I remember I left the meeting feeling disillusioned between the need to strive for racial justice within the workplace and yet how the task force itself is just another manifestation of the systems the company claims it is trying to dismantle.
Dealing with this exact situation at my current place of work, which breeds another conflict.. do I stay and use my privilege to try and improve this system or make a move to somewhere that hopefully facilitates positive change with less resistance?
Hi Ali, you bring up really good points. A lot of organizations want diversity, because it is a buzzword right now and are concerned more with their image rather than their foundation. I want organizations to adapt and foster safe environments for more people structurally. Many organizations seem superficial in a time where marginalized people (be it for their gender, race, sexuality, disabilities, etc.) desire protection and agency. Random Example: While I appreciate cis allies at work putting their pronouns in their email signature (which IS a very good thing), will those cis allies still help push for bylaws or policies protecting against trans discrimination? What about white coworkers wanting to address societal racial equity, but still failing to form healthy relationships with coworkers of color? I think organizations who do genuinely care about marginalized people must have a foundation that protects marginalized people enough they felt comfortable openly communicating with others. That would certainly help me in different environments.
Thank you Saba, for starting the conversation. I wanted to show everyone that I am logged in and here for the discussion if folks want to use this time to discuss. The discussion will also be up all week if this isn't a good time for folks.
Thanks so much for the first post - was great to read ahead of this week! I thought I'd leave a comment now as 6pm EST is 11pm for me (London) and I will be fast asleep... Over the past 18 months, I've been doing weekly/daily anti-oppression work, as well as speaking up against racism, discrimination, immigration and also discussing my past trauma experiences. I suffer with C-PTSD and recently was triggered and had a wobble - so I've been going in deep to find out what is going on and why - I can see the pattern of behaviour and it's as if I have no control over my mind. Speaking to my mentor a few days ago, she mentioned that perhaps my anti-oppression work meant I was becoming less tolerant of certain behaviour and, when I can't speak out such as a work situation, it's raising my anxiety and I'm easily stressed out. I wondered if anyone dealt with similar circumstances and what potentially worked for them. Thanks x
Hi Saba, I've definitely had situations where dealing with inequality (specifically violent rhetoric) at work increases my anxiety. I've got PTSD from childhood trauma and frequently felt like I could not express my autonomy at home & felt unsafe on a regular basis. I am trans, but closeted at work and had my boss confide in me before that he "doesn't 'agree'" with 'modern' views on gender. Because I do not want to be mistreated, I have obviously been more unsure about coming out at work and did have a period where I was incredibly anxious about how to tackle the situation. I still have reoccurring anxiety as I try to figure out what I want my next steps forward to be in my career here. That said, I just want to reiterate that I think it's 'normal' to feel anxious in a space that is oppressive and that it doesn't necessarily mean something is wrong with YOU. It's the environment we live in. Sadly too, ignorance is kind of bliss. Sometimes, people have a certain privilege where they aren't aware an environment is oppressive and then become aware/woke as they learn more, which I think happens to a lot of people in general and specifically activists. I think we have to find ways to take care of ourselves as a community and foster healthy safe spaces.
Hi Cade,
Sorry for a delayed response I think I lost yesterday! Thanks so much for your message and your experience resonates in many ways. I can’t imagine having to repress who you are because of your work situation - it’s wrong that you can’t be yourself openly and freely without the fear of being mistreated. I’ve done a little work on trans awareness and am very aware of the many obstacles faced and often speak up against trans and non-binary discrimination.
Agree about the anxiety under oppressed circumstances and thanks for reminding me it’s not about me, it is society and individuals too quick to judge! I’m all for safe spaces and I think it’s really important that people know they are not alone, conflict happens – it’s part of life, it’s how we deal with it and ensuring we have a safe and solid support circle – even one person is enough.
Looks like this space will be a good start to discussing conflict, it’s causes and sharing the tools that help us 😊