Confronting Our Fear in Conflict
Fear is the emotion that lies underneath most of the actions that make conflict difficult or destructive. Fear that if we are honest about what we want, how we feel, or what we’ve done—we will receive an honest answer that upends all of the beliefs or justifications that we are using to protect ourselves. Fear that we will be rejected, uncared for, or abandoned because of what we desire, what we’ve done, or who we are. Fear that we will lose control if we share responsibility with others—and, in losing control, we will face the unpredictable, the unknown, the potential chaos of having choices and having to define those choices with/for others. Fear that our pasts will return—literally bringing back people or places we’ve left behind, bringing forward the memories of things we’ve tried to forget, or reliving destructive patterns. Fear of physical or emotional pain if a conflict intensifies.
For some, fear explodes from us—we externalize (manifest the fear outside of ourselves)—we diminish what others care about so that we don’t have to grant it or admit the dark/weird thing we care about, we laugh when others reach out for vulnerability so that we don’t have to face reciprocating (returning) that vulnerability, we lash out verbally or physically to shut down a conversation that might mean losing something, we manipulate situations to retain control, we respond to difference or debate with self-righteousness that hides our insecurity or pain. We might simply be judgmental, accusatory, or act as though we are “above” or superior to the other people in the conflict, like engaging in the conflict is beneath us. We tend to lash out combatively in a disagreement, trying hard to dominate or win.
For others, fear implodes on us—we internalize that fear—we make ourselves small and unworthy in our minds, we blame ourselves or take full responsibility when we only carry one part, we go numb, we disassociate from our bodies, our minds, or our relationships (detaching from people and ourselves), we retreat to our rooms, our art, our books, our alcohol, our drugs, our parties, our sex, our destructive relationships. When questioned, our brain fills with fog or emptiness; when confronted we cry or scream until whatever it is goes away or stops. We tend to avoid, comply, or compromise in conflict.
For some, we oscillate (swing back and forth) between these two—we retreat and then lash out, we don’t say what we want but we react with rage when we don’t receive it, we lie but wish others knew the truth, we are brutally honest but regret it, we run away but we want/expect to be chased. We tend to initiate a conflict but abruptly stop engaging.
Our fear is in control. Our fear that has sometimes been protective, also sometimes keeps us in a hell we don’t need or want to be in. Our fear says the people who would care about us are always already a threat. Our fear says the things we want are bait, luring us toward the next awful thing.
Ask yourself:
What do I fear?
How do I know whether I should listen to that fear?
For those who saw the movie or read the book Dune by Frank Herbert, there is a litany that goes like this:
I must not fear.
Fear is the mind-killer.
Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration.
I will face my fear.
I will permit it to pass over me and through me.
And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path.
Where the fear has gone there will be nothing.
Only I will remain.1
I love this litany and I have a line of it on the desk in front of me. In conflict, fear discloses our ability to see the opportunities the conflict represents. All we can see is what we wish won’t happen, all we can see is the possibility of failure, loss, pain, or hurt (fear is the mind-killer). When we overcome our fear during a conflict, when we acknowledge it being there but we are able to move beyond it, we are more whole on the other side (Only I will remain). We are able to witness our own hopes, our potential, the hopes and potential of others, we are willing to take risks to see those hopes and potentials realized. In order to be responsive to conflict in a way that is compassionate to ourselves and others, we need to take these risks.
So, once we know what they are, how do we overcome our fears?
Sometimes just acknowledging that our actions are based in fear, allows some of the fear to be let go.
Be Curious—wonder, what is this fear really about? what makes me believe this fear will be realized? is this fear based in this situation, or based in my past? if this fear became reality, how would I respond to it? is there a small experiment I can do, to test the situation?
Imagine the opposite—what would it be like if what I wanted actually happened? what would it be like if the thing I’m afraid of never got in the way? what could I be or do if this fear wasn’t here? what lies on the other side?
Social support—when we have people in our lives who will stand by us, who will support us through hard times, who will be there if we fall, we are more likely to take risks; sometimes cultivating this support means confronting our fear of vulnerability just enough to let them in or take the risk of going out and joining in
Community consciousness—developing a sense of belonging within a community who shares our values, principles, needs, passions, or identities can counteract the isolation that entrenches our fears; this could be found by joining a knitting circle or a reading group or a sober companions group or an organization founded by people who share our experience
Self-esteem—when we believe in our abilities and who we are, we feel more prepared to take on difficult or unpredictable situations and have a direct impact for the better; try writing down one thing every day that you like about yourself, that you do well, that you contribute to the world—lean into that part of yourself throughout the day, take joy from it, let it breathe instead of tamping it down
Reality check—when we feel overwhelmed with fear, we can check in with other people and ask how likely or realistic our fears are outside of ourselves, this can counteract a tendency to create an internal reality/narrative of doom
Resilience—practicing being adaptable to change (being flexible, being able to shift priorities or tasks when circumstances change) and developing coping strategies can build our skill to respond to difficult situations, the more we are able to get through difficult situations without cataclysmic consequences, the less daunting it will be in the future
Internal transformation—internal trauma work (typically through guided therapies and practices) can help us to acknowledge past violence or harm without projecting those events onto our futures
For more of my thoughts on Conflict + Dune, check out my new blog that will look at how conflict is portrayed in popular science fiction: Xenogenesis.
Opportunities to Learn + Act
Building Capacity for Mutual Aid Groups (Workshop 2): Decision-Making facilitated by Dean Spade; Thursday November 11 @ 7pm EST Register here
Ken Cloke who is an activist and a mediator is holding a 5-day virtual mediation training (to become a certified mediator) sometime in November, you have to e-mail for details. It is pretty cost-prohibitive ($1,000) given that mediation doesn’t earn you tons of money, but he is a very experienced mediator with his own anti-oppressive lens. Details here.
Read Indigenous Peoples' Caucus Opening Statement from COP26: “We call for a rapid reduction in emissions that drives a just transition away from fossil fuels and ensures a 1.5 degree future. We are deeply concerned by so-called Nature-based Solutions developed without our input and free, prior, and informed consent - undermining our self-determination and secure land tenure.”
Herbert, Frank (1965). Dune. https://dunenovels.com/dune/