Before digging into the newsletter:
I have a client who is living in an abusive housing situation. We’re working together to find temporary alternative housing. If you would like to contribute $1-$5 toward housing them, you can contribute to this pool: https://paypal.me/pools/c/8zrL0wQACZ. Thank you so much for considering; it’s okay to share if you wish. 1
Some Palestinian folks you can follow as Palestine struggles for liberation: mohammed el-kurd (@m7mdkurd), Sandra Tamari (@SandraTamari1), Sumaya Awad (@sumayaawad), Mariam Barghouti (@MariamBarghouti)—please share others folks should follow in the comments!
Intro
A few weeks ago I shared a newsletter about how people who have been harmed or experienced conflict can explore alternatives to a formal process. In this newsletter, I explore options for people who have been responsible for harm to prevent doing harm in the future, without participating in a formal process.
Folks who hold power through social positions and identities are likely to have internalized controlling, coercive, or manipulative behaviors that reproduce unequal power dynamics. Folks who have experienced harm and trauma are also vulnerable to developing harmful or abusive coping strategies. While this is understandable, we have a responsibility to stop cycles of harm toward our communities by identifying our harmful actions, the source of those actions, and making changes that will prevent harm from happening again.
Holding a facilitated accountability process is just one of many options for engaging in transformation after having done harm. A process can provide stability and consistent containment for our efforts to transform conditions and behavior, and may involve a facilitator who can provide clarity from a position outside the conflict or harm. However, a facilitator may not always be available, or the situation may not call for a long-term or formal process. If a process takes place, we may be too defensive, raw, or dismissive to see our part in harm, and only be ready to do the work of addressing harm later on.
Taking responsibility and acknowledging the harm we have caused is an extraordinary act of integrity and compassion and the options below provide just some examples of how we might begin that journey outside of a process.
Support Pod
When a harm is brought to our attention, we can generate a supportive group of people around us to help us understand our behavior, facilitate changes to our context that support our growth and wellbeing, and provide us with insight and learning necessary for us to make changes. A great resource for setting up a pod is Bay Area Transformative Justice Collective’s Pods & Pod Mapping Worksheet. Consider carefully who would be best to include in this pod:
Who is someone we can talk to about this, who will provide emotional support and compassion?
Who will be honest and straightforward about our behavior, without sugarcoating or justifying our actions (see recognition)?
Who has knowledge and/or experience about the particular harms we’ve been causing, and who has knowledge and/or experience about the harms that have been done to us in the past, who can provide resources and learning (see contextual transformation)?
Who is reliable and organized, and can make sure we all follow through on our commitments within the pod structure?
Recognition
We can observe patterns in our experience where the people close to us have expressed experiences of pain, trauma, or material costs as a result of their relationship with us. Seeing these patterns doesn’t require us to accept that we caused harm intentionally or maliciously, simply to accept that our actions did have harmful consequences. In order to disrupt these patterns, we have to understand them.
Recognition of our behaviors and patterns can reduce overwhelming feelings of shame, guilt, or defensiveness. Having a specific direction to make changes (rather than viewing ourselves as wholly bad or irredeemable) can give us a sense of hope, control, and capability. This shifts us from the orientation of hopelessness and self-hatred, toward proactive options.
Recognition looks like an acknowledgement of the specific actions that caused another person harm. We might say to ourselves:
This person said that I had X impact on them, I have listened and can see that when I did Y, that was received/interpreted/had that impact.
I can see a pattern in my relationships where people say I have X impact, because I do Y and Z.
When I do Y and Z, it doesn’t serve me because ultimately my partners are _________; I need to change this behavior in order for my partners to feel safe and supported.
Asking someone who isn’t close to us personally can help us untangle situations in which we recognize that harm happened, but we have difficulty understanding where we went wrong or how we could change it within our circumstances. We can reach out to a conflict facilitator, therapist, or a trusted friend and ask: “Would you be willing to help me recognize and change some harmful patterns I’m noticing in my relationships?”
When seeking support, find a person who is assertive (able to be honest and forthright) and won’t excuse, sugar-coat, or justify actions in order to avoid conflict or difficult conversations. This person should have a good reputation for understanding the issues involved (polyamory, consent, manipulation, material or social power, etc.); their knowledge will help guide us toward alternative responses to conflict, insecurity, or disagreement.
A pitfall in the process of trying to recognize our patterns is that we often point to all the reasons why we did what we did, or point to the other parties’ own harms as reasons we shouldn’t be uniquely accountable for our actions. Having been harmed or been in harmful situations may explain our actions but that doesn’t mean we aren’t responsible for preventing harm in the future. We can only control ourselves, so we must focus on our part.
Transparency
Once we have identified specific patterns of behavior, we can only expect to change if we are forthright with those people who may be harmed by us. We should share with partners, friends, and community (within reason) what we’re working on and how we want to act. Doing so gives those round us the foresight to identify when we are falling into behaviors we want to avoid and help us steer in a different direction. Transparency can also protect others from being harmed by us, because it helps them to advocate for themselves in changes to the relationship.
We might say something like, In the past, when X happens I respond in Y way, which causes Z. What I would really like to do in the future is…
We can help to make this work by letting the other person/people know that we want to receive feedback and encourage them to be honest about how our actions are impacting them. We might consider saying, I’m working on this and it would really help me if you would remind me of my commitments when I mess up.
Transparency requires that we not punish (purposefully or accidentally) those who raise concerns with us. That means thanking people for their honesty and really listening to what they have to say, trying our best to do better in the future. Some ways that we accidentally punish people for their honesty/feedback, is by giving them the silent treatment, avoiding them, denying them affection or attention they were otherwise receiving. These actions signal that while we say we want feedback, the other person will be treated poorly if they actually provide it. If when receiving feedback we need some time to process, we can respond with: Thank you for telling me this—I’m noticing that I’m feeling a lot of things and I need a little time to process. Can we [do something joyful] together later? This allows us the space we need and focuses on moving in a positive direction.
In some cases, the behavior we’re trying to change may be criminalized (institutionally or socially punished). In those cases, transparency should be limited to people who understand the risks of exposure and are willing to keep us safe, while also making sure we don’t harm anyone else. Ask yourself:
In what ways am I vulnerable if I share this information?
Who can I trust to keep me in check, without causing me undo harm?
Which consequences are disproportionate to the harm I caused? (This question should be answered with support people, who can be honest and won’t shield us from reasonable consequences for our actions).
Contextual Transformation
Once we better understand which actions are potentially causing harm, we can identify the root causes of those behaviors. Where did we learn to do that? Why did we learn to do that? Most often, we learned these behaviors as protective measures from harmful things that happened to us in the past, or from parents, guardians, or peers who learned those behaviors from the dominant value system.
Sometimes this examination reveals that we are still in a situation that triggers that protective response (e.g. fight, flight, or fawn). For example, we may find that we are consistently unemployed and therefore dependent on our relationships for security, this causes us to cling to those relationships desperately and coercively. If that’s the case, we can seek out financial security and independence, so that the fear of the loss of those relationships isn’t perpetuating cycles of harmful behavior.
We may also find that we’re engaging in relationships or situations that are unfamiliar to us or that require a shift in values from what we learned as children/adolescents. For example, we may be in polyamorous relationships and never learned best practices because relationships around us have always been guided by the rules of monogamy. Or, we may be engaging in kink communities without having learned best practices.
Be transparent about these core causes of distress, without using them to justify harmful actions or exonerate us from consequences—ask for support from friends, family, colleagues, and community in seeking security (financial, medical, emotional, social), in order to get into a better position where behavior change is possible
Seek support in navigating and addressing the harms being done to us currently or in the past (for example, navigating the criminal-legal system, seeking therapy for past trauma, or resources for affordable independent housing)
Seek mentorship in navigating new social dynamics and communities from people who engage in healthy, admirable ways
Read zines, books, and essays about new social dynamics and best practices for navigating power differences, consent, cultural norms, etc.
Preventative Education
When we’ve reached a point where our own actions and our situation is healthier and causes less harm, it can be helpful to support others who are in the same situation we were in. We can gain closure by creating art, zines, or support groups that help people who have done similar harms take responsibility for change. Engaging in this education can also sustain a sense of responsibility for acting within our values and new commitments.
This education shouldn’t seek glory, gratitude, or fame from our experience and to avoid any unintentional hubris/ego-driven behavior in these actions, we can do so anonymously or with a support person who can keep us in check.
Transformative Advocacy
When we’ve reached a point where our situation is healthier and causes less harm, we may be able to observe policies, institutions, and communities that taught, supported, enabled, or allowed our harmful behavior. Or, we might identify sources of abuse or trauma that caused us to internalize harmful survival practices. Advocating for changes within those systems or dynamics can prevent similar harms from happening again, to us or others.
These transformations can include changes in policy that would have prevented or interrupted our own harms, training for organizers or staff who could have intervened in the situation but didn’t have the awareness to do so, or the development of new resources where people who are harmed or who have done harm can seek support outside of systems that would harm them further.
Transformations may fulfill goals that a process would have tried to achieve, such as amends, justice, or reparations.
Remember
…Having done this work does not mean that the people we harmed will forgive us or want to have contact with us. Part of accountability is acceptance that we cannot control another person’s feelings or actions. We may never heal old relationships, but we can focus on the future. If people we have harmed have asked us to not be in contact with them, we should respect that—even if we have changed or grown. If they want to reach out and mend the relationship, they will do so. They are likely on their own journey of healing, seeking justice, or moving forward—that journey may not include us.
If the people we have harmed engage in call-outs, public shaming, or other forms of trying to receive justice, we should connect through the people who support us and them (intermediaries), and try to communicate understanding. We can ask or say:
What can I do to repair the harm I have caused?
How can I show the work I am doing to change?
I acknowledge the pain I’ve caused, I am trying to change my circumstances so that I can focus on changing and preventing this from happening again.
When people experience trauma or harm, they may lash out or act in ways that are unfair, unreasonable, or harmful. There may be nothing we can say or do that seems right or enough to make up for our harmful actions—or we may be asked to do things that are not within our capabilities or means.
We should try to give the understanding that we want to receive, communicate with generosity and support of others, and do what we can to decrease the extension of harm, even when it feels unfair, burdensome, or difficult.
Opportunities to Learn + Act
Air Monitors in Houston: A friend of mine is circulating this petition to have air monitors to measure harmful pollutants in Houston, please sign and circulate!
Treaty People Gathering: Rise, Protect, Stop Line 3 is happening June 5 - June 8th.
Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma, and Consensual Non-Monogamy by Jessica Fern is a great resource for therapists, health workers, and relationship educators about healthy relationship dynamics within non-monogamy.
LGBTQIA+ Affirming Healthcare: My full-time workplace the Community Health Access Initiative does virtual training for healthcare providers on LGBTQIA+ affirming care, focused on mental health. We only have five or six months left, so if any healthcare workers you know are interested in receiving free training please share our website.
Unfortunately my former name is on the fund because I haven’t changed it legally, so that is why the name doesn’t line up.
Shoot, I meant to include this upcoming event in the "Opportunities" section as well: Treaty People Gathering June 5 - 8, 2021: Rise, Protect, Stop Line 3: https://treatypeoplegathering.com/