I’ve been absent a little while due to some health issues, but I’m feeling better and ready to share more thoughts & resources about navigating conflict. Some notes:
I promised a social space to talk virtually about conflict and I can finally deliver! Register for the first session, which will be Saturday April 24th at 12pm EST (11am CST, 9am PST): https://forms.gle/YexEcmqQx3yUzmi27
If you’d like, please send me an e-mail at conflicttransformation@protonmail.com if any specific things have come up while I was away that you wish I would talk about in future newsletters.
I’m sharing a newsletter on this topic because people sometimes reach out to me wanting accountability, mediation, or healing and cannot get people to participate. Sometimes the people involved in a conflict aren’t ready, aren’t willing to take responsibility, feel shame or humiliation about the experience, or have material barriers to participation that they can’t overcome. Other times, a facilitator isn’t available or flakes on their responsibilities. For the person seeking resolution, transformation, healing, justice, or closure—this can lead to heart break, grief, hopelessness, depression, confusion, and other very real impacts to health and wellbeing. I hope this resource helps anyone in a similar position in their life to find alternative forms of hope and healing.
Take care and hope to hear from you all soon.
-Luna
Alternative opportunities for transformation and moving forward when justice, demands, or accountability are denied, or a formal process is not possible
Often when we experience harm or exist within an unresolved conflict, those responsible are not willing to take accountability or make amends, those involved are resistant to pulling others into resolving the problem. Or, our communities and institutions can’t provide the justice, closure, or healing we’re seeking. Struggling to try to receive justice while in pain and trauma can grow increasingly painful as our needs and dignity are denied. We may reach a point where that very struggle for closure stands in the way of our wellbeing. It can be painful, but it’s okay to say, “I’ve had enough trying.” It’s okay to say, “Fighting is killing me.” It’s okay to move on. Healing, justice, accountability, or transformation can still be sought through different means, in ways that are healthier for us over the long-term.
Forming a Support Pod
When we’ve experienced harm or a difficult conflict, we may need more than the usual level of social support. I recommend forming a support pod that will get together once a month for 6 – 12 months to talk about how things are going, organize for any support needed, and just be there to help move forward in the absence of support from the other parties. A support pod/group/team may also be helpful in debriefing new events that arise, helping us stick to personal commitments/boundaries, strategizing any obstacles that may come up, and acting as intermediaries.
We may form a pod through BATJC’s pod-mapping worksheet, to identify support people with specific skills and resources they have to offer.
We may want:
Someone who is organized and reliable and makes sure we meet regularly and follow through on commitments
Someone who likes to cook, grocery shop, or do other things we may need help with
Someone who is social and can help us integrate into new or old social circles
Someone who is comfortable taking us to doctors appointments, watching our children or animals, or is well connected to people who can do those things
Creating a list of what is needed from this group can be helpful to clarify boundaries and expectations—for example,
what specifically does the person being supported need and want,
what does that look like,
when do they need/want those things, and from whom.
Setting a schedule of meetings far in advance can help with follow-through; this schedule should be organized and held by a member of the support team, not the supported person—therefore that keeper should be someone with great organizational skills and a reliable character (they do what they say they’ll do).
Many people who experience trauma or harm are also socially isolated—if this is you and you’re thinking “I don’t have anyone who can help me with this,” try to think of that one person who has affirmed you. Take a risk and ask them for support. They may be able to bring others into the fold. Another option is to go to a community organization that supports people who share your experiences, identities, or culture—ask if they can help. You deserve support and nurturance.
Material Support
The harm we experienced may have had material, social, physical, and emotional costs—either directly (loss of housing, jobs, caregivers) or indirectly (because we were responding to the conflict we were unable to keep up with regular obligations or necessities). Community fundraising for immediate material relief can restore lost resources spent on repairing harm done to oneself: housing costs, medical costs, mental health costs, etc. This is not “charity”—material support is about mutual aid and communal responsibility.
We may struggle with feelings of guilt that we are “taking” resources from others who need those resources “more.” While this is normal, it’s important to ask for the help we need.
A friend, partner, or family member can generate a public or private pool for raising funds that can be anonymous or disclose only the details we would want—we should be empowered to dictate all of those details but not be responsible for implementing them if we can’t manage that.
Funds should be transferred to the person being supported without question or red tape, there should be no required exchanges (such as, “You can have the funds if you go to therapy”). These ultimatums reproduce coercive control common in abusive relationships and oppressive societies and undermine our self-determination.
Narrative Closure
In the absence of receiving validation or acknowledgement from the people/institutions who caused harm or disruption, developing and sharing a narrative of what happened from start to present, can help gain a sense of containment and closure. This can happen in writing or verbally, to be shared with close friends and community via secure text, video call, or phone call—this differs from a “call out,” as its primary purpose is to provide catharsis with a close and specific group of community members (and the narrative is not made public). Further benefits are to help grow an understanding of the relational dynamics that led to harm, so that our communities are more equipped to intervene in the future.
Acknowledgement of harm may not come from those who did the harm, but it can come from community around us—this is not “gossip” or “talking behind others’ backs”—it is the relational support necessary to recover from pain, hurt, or trauma
Generating a clear narrative of what happened can subvert gaslighting, denial, and refusal from the parties who did harm or experienced a conflict differently, by internally and externally validating the truth of what happened from our experience
A narrative can also help us to untangle any internalized blame, shame, or self-doubt
Narratives can be a powerful tool to prevent harm from happening in the future, by sharing the narrative with trusted people who have a stake in our shared communities, with a desire to make them better rather than tear them apart. By sharing our story with these trusted people, more members of our community are on alert for the signs and signals that harm is happening and enables them to act with awareness in order to prevent or address it
Clear boundaries should be made about where the details and broad strokes of this narrative are shared—
is the story confidential and not to be shared outside the initial circle?
can the gist of the story be shared anonymously in order to advance education?
with whom can it be shared and with what intentions?
We may also find it helpful to project our story into the future, envisioning either an alternative timeline where we received the justice we desire, or a future within our own timeline where we have moved forward and achieve other goals
A warning: text shared virtually—via e-mail, text, or docs stored in the cloud—are vulnerable to being shared even if the technology is “secure,” and once a document is shared beyond the circle it may “go viral” or otherwise draw negative or harmful attention to anyone who wrote or spoke the document or anyone named within it.
Skill Building & Defense
Though we may not be able to change what happened to us in the past, we can alter the conditions for similar situations in the future. The U.S. is going through a time when we struggle with the archetype of a “survivor,” who is somehow pure, unquestionable, and lacking any responsibility. While there is good reason for this—because survivors are often blamed and shamed for the harm done to them—this flattens us as human beings, our experiences, and our power. We may look back on events and wish we had done things differently to protect ourselves, our communities, or to treat others differently. This makes us no less a survivor. We may find power in learning and growing from our experiences, when others do not. We might:
Connect with a therapist, counselor, or healer who can help us reflect and process our experiences and our responses
Learn about and practice self-defense (physical, emotional, spiritual)
Seek out community defense organizations and participate in strategies for preventing criminalization, abuse, and communal violence
Practice communication and conflict skills that will help us identify patterns that we want to avoid
Finding confidence in ourselves and our ability to confront our circumstances can be an empowering experience that provides healing and closure.
Educational Prevention
Preventing harm, struggle, and injustice is often central to one’s desire for a formal conflict process. Though we may not be able to go back and change what happened to us, we often feel we can and should protect others. American culture suggests that the way to do this is to punish or control the person who did the harm to us; yet, this is a very individualistic view of harm. Harm comes from social, cultural, and systemic sources—though the individual or institution that harmed us may not be ready for change in this moment, others very well may be. Creating stories, art, zines, and/or other public service materials can help educate others about the harms that happened and how to prevent them from happening again.
We may be able to share unique perspectives about the harm done to us by sharing:
Explanations of why the behavior/action/policy is harmful and the impacts they may have
Warning signs that the harm is happening
Ways that community members and friends can intervene
Resources for receiving help and support
Resources for better understanding the source or prevalence of the harm
Education can be created within a support group, on one’s own, or with others who have experienced similar harms. These pieces of education can be circulated anonymously or with credit—whatever the creators feel comfortable with.
This education can address the root causes of the harm (sources of systemic and structural oppression) that persist beyond individual event(s)
Transformative Prevention
In some cases, we have the power and access to the community where our harm happened to make changes that will prevent harm from happening to someone else in the same place/community it happened to us. Other times, the harm has removed us from that community and engaging with them is too painful or risky. If the former, we can use our access to advocate for changes to policies, procedures, and social relations that will have a direct impact on our own friends and families. If the latter, we can achieve just as much harm prevention by engaging communities similar to the ones in which our harm took place. Even if these are not the communities where we were hurt, chances are that similar harms are happening in similar settings for similar reasons. Finding and transforming policies and structures that caused us harm, can prevent harm from happening again without having to rely on the people who did harm to us specifically.
Advocates/activists/organizers can approach communities with the knowledge of their experience and send up a warning of the harms that may be happening or may happen in the future, providing resources and ideas for transforming the structures that may deepen harm.
Organizing is most effective when multiple parties who have experienced similar harms, combine their experiences to create comprehensive strategies for transformation that don’t address one specific instance but the underlying causes of the conflict or harm
Interpersonal transformations are those that identify specific behaviors, responses, and beliefs that produce harmful interactions and provide opportunities for unlearning old habits and learning new ways of being that produce healthier relationships.
Structural transformations are those that find the root cause of those behaviors (oppression, inequality, injustice, discrimination, neglect) and create alternative ways of organizing institutions, communities, and societies that produce healthier communities.
Opportunities to Learn + Act
Act: 9 Commitments to/with Incarcerated People in 2021 by @prisonculture
Read: Watched and Still Dying by Tawana Petty (friends in Ann Arbor area can attend this townhall with Tawana: https://banthescana2.com/)
Resource to save: The Revolution Must be Accessible (access-centered movement education): English Version, ASL Version, Spanish Version, Text Only English and Spanish Version
I’m just really feeling this tweet from Austin McCoy:
Hi Luna, it's great to hear from you again! Your absence was definitely noticed, and I'm glad to hear you are feeling better. :)
Thank you for this guide. It lists many different things I have previously wished for, and a number of things I had never thought of! I always assumed a written narrative of my experience of harm had to take the form of either a diary entry or a public call-out, but didn't really consider the middle ground of sharing it with a few trusted individuals, and receiving some closure from having the story validated in that way.
It's also just such a relief to be told that it's okay to give up, so thank you for that! I spent years trying in vain to change a community I was part of, in hopes that the collective would get on board with efforts to prevent/address the type of harm that I'd experienced. I feel such dejection when I think about my "failure" (not actually my failure, but can feel like it), but this post offers so many ways to move forward and I love it. Thankful as always for your work. <3
-R