Why Do We Engage in Conflict?
Conflict Skills 1: A Responsive Approach to Interpersonal Conflict is open to registration for October 31 - December 5, each Sunday from 9:30am - 11:30am EST. There are a few spots left and a waiting list; if the waiting list fills up then I will open a second course from 12:00pm - 2:00pm EST on that same schedule. Feel free to share the registration link with anyone who may be interested.
Why Do We Engage in Conflict?
Sometimes engaging in conflict is not really a choice: the very structures of society are in conflict with our inherent needs and the only way to meet those needs is to struggle. Sometimes we are swept into a conflict, without a clear starting point. Sometimes we initiate a conflict with intention and purpose. But how often—in any of these cases—do we truly understand why we remain in the conflict?
In an abstract sense, we often know how we feel and why something is important: I feel anxiety, fear, excitement, passion, righteousness, ambition and this path is important to me because it will make me safe, secure, in alignment with my purpose, or more successful. But in a deeper way, we rarely reflect on why we’re engaged in this precise conflict with these specific people in order to validate those feelings or achieve those goals.
Why is this conflict worth it to me/us?
What do I/we have to gain by going through this?
What do I/we have to lose if I/we don’t?
And perhaps least often considered:What do the other people/entities involved have to gain or lose? What is it worth to them?
The theory of Conflict Transformation (largely credited to John Paul Lederach but practiced in cultures & spiritualities around the world) is grounded by the idea that conflict is an engagement between one or more beings toward change. From this, I understand the following to be true:
If I am engaging in conflict it is because I believe…
I/we want or need some kind of change; and
something/someone* is necessary to accomplish the ideal change; and
conflict is a necessary process to create that change (said another way, there’s a reason I/we can’t just make it happen).
If this is my understanding of conflict, then to understand my reasons for engaging in any specific conflict, I must understand:
What is the specific** change I’m/we’re looking for?
Why do I need/want this specific change?
What is the relationship between that change and the agent/entity I’m in conflict with?
Is the agent/entity I’m in conflict with necessary to accomplish that change (i.e. they control access to some aspect)? If so, why?
If not, why am I involving them?
What is that agent/entity’s understanding, experience, or need that explains why conflict is involved? (Said another way, why is it a conflict vs. a conversation?).
*that something/someone could be another part of ourselves, a hurt part, a stubborn part, an ignorant part
**Specific as in, a general awareness of the kind of change as opposed to “I just need something to change but I don’t know what!”
Examples:
I need to feel a sense of purpose in what I do but I don’t have that sense of purpose in my current role, the team dictates the scope of my role and I cannot change the role without them—my only other option is to leave which I don’t want to do, I care deeply about this team, I want this to work here. The team is resistant to changing the purpose of my role because they need someone to fulfill my current duties.
I need my identities to be affirmed and they are currently ignored, my friends are an essential part of my life, I care about them—if they don’t participate in the change I will remain isolated or have to find new friends. I love my friends and want our relationships together to grow. They are uncomfortable talking about race and gender and feel anxiety, shame, defensiveness when I bring it up.
If the need at the center of the conflict is unclear, it’s probably time to take a step back and consider if we’re in conflict just for the sake of being in conflict or because we are using conflict as a way to express some emotions that we don’t fully understand. So long as we don’t understand the purpose of our conflict, we will remain in (an often disruptive or destructive) pattern: tit-for-tat, he-said-she-said, avoidance-combativeness, etc.
If the reason behind why this particular person/group is unclear, we should consider that our engagement in conflict is misdirected—for example:
I need to spend more time with people because I’m lonely. I’m in conflict with my best friend because she won’t go out to bars or events with me. She’s not necessary to meet this need, I’m involving her because I feel insecure without her. My friend has a lot on her plate and doesn’t have time right now.
Frequently, we will direct a conflict at people we trust because battling with them feels safe compared to the alternative, or we will act out a conflict that we experienced in the past to try to live out a different outcome—even when the situation isn’t all that similar. When this misalignment occurs, we leave the people we are in conflict with confused—no matter what they do or say it will not result in the outcome we’re looking for, because in fact what we need isn’t within their control to give.
If everything is in alignment—we’re in conflict with the right people about the right things—understanding why we’re in conflict can often be a key to engaging generously and generatively.
If I know what I need and why I need it, I can ask for it straightforwardly, without expecting the other person/people to guess. I can express how important it is to me and for what reasons, so that they will understand the gravity of my situation. If I know why this is a conflict for others, I can be curious about why those needs or interests are important to them. I can understand their needs, even when I don’t agree with their actions. Then, I can look for opportunities where my needs can be met without limiting, controlling, or diminishing their needs. I can understand this other person/group as an essential component of reaching success, rather than seeing them as an obstacle. If they are not essential, again, I ask—why am I engaged in this precise conflict with these specific people?
Opportunities to Learn + Act
October 26, 2021: Visualizing Abolition with adrienne maree brown and Gilda Sheppard. Info and registration here.
October 14, 2021: For my Michigan folks, a Rally in Support of Second Look Legislation in Lansing—second look is a collection of carceral reforms, including eliminating mandatory minimum sentencing. More information here.
Donate and support Gidimt’en Checkpoint Camp blockading Coastal Gaslink Pipeline. There is a call for folks to join their camp, they also have an amazon wishlist (bio link for @yintah_access on instagram) and you can donate here.
The Coalition to Stop Line 3 is asking folks to write to the Army Corps of Engineers about the harmful impacts of the pipeline. Instructions for letter writing are here.
To learn more about the connection between policing and pipelines, read this series of articles.
Watch: Lessons in Liberation: Healing Justice Pedagogies