Taking things personally
And some unrelated resources for continuing to support Indigenous liberation
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On November 18th, dozens of heavily armed RCMP officers raided the Gidimt'en Checkpoint at the 44 km marker on the Morice Forest Service Road. Wet'suwet'en land defenders and their supporters have been controlling access to this road to stop Coastal Gaslink from drilling under Wedzin Kwa, their sacred headwaters. Ways to support & Donate here: https://www.yintahaccess.com/
November 17th defendants arrested while opposing the construction of Enbridge’s Line 3 tar sands pipeline launched a campaign calling on Minnesota’s elected leadership to drop all criminal charges against over 700 water protectors. Over 1,000 arrests were made during the nine months of construction, and over 100 water protectors have been charged with trumped up felonies. Support and donate here: https://www.stopline3.org/drop-the-charges
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What does it mean to take things personally?
I had a recent conversation where I was called to reflect on what it means to take things personally, or to be told “don’t take it personally” during a conflict. Most of us have either said this to someone or have been told this by someone else. But, what do we mean by it? When are we taking things “too” personally? When are we taking things just personally enough? When should we not take something that is about us and directed at us, personally?
Sometimes we say “don’t take it personally” when we actually mean “don’t be offended”—we’re using the phrase to try to control someone’s response or reaction to something that was said or done, asking people not to feel what they feel.
Sometimes we say “don’t take it personally” when we actually mean “don’t take what was said as an assessment of your worth or value”—we’re saying that just because someone has an opinion about something someone did or said, doesn’t mean it is a complete or accurate reflection of their worth as a person.
And still other times we say “don’t take it personally” when we actually mean “that wasn’t actually about you at all”—we want someone to recognize that they are inserting themself into a comment or situation that wasn’t directed at them.
So, for those of us who tend to say this phrase—ask yourself: what do I actually mean by that? What am I asking of this person? How might that request/expectation make them feel?
For those of us who tend to hear this phrase, here’s some further opportunity for reflection on what it might mean to take something personally.
Can I trust the messenger?
When someone makes a comment that comes across as a personal assessment of us (a judgment, critique, piece of feedback, an observation that wounds)—it’s important to consider whether we can trust this person’s judgment or observation. We might ask ourselves:
Do they have enough experience with me to be able to reliably make that judgement/assessment? Or are they operating on a bias or assumption?
Do they have something to gain by bringing me down? Might they have an alterior motive?
What are the values, beliefs, or understandings that are informing their comment? Do I agree that those values/beliefs/understandings are a good measure of what is right/good/just/appropriate/important?
If we find that the person making the initial comment or argument can’t be trusted, then we may accept that the comment was in fact personal, but that it holds no weight with us.
Was that comment about me?
When someone is speaking generally about their experience in a conflict, for example:
“no one listens to me;”
“people have been rude to me;”
“everyone is so entitled”
We might assume that comments like these are about us or are intended to speak to us directly. Sometimes this is because we have a tendency to assume the worst about ourselves or assume that everyone else sees what we most worry about in ourselves. If that’s the case, we might respond to these comments defensively or overly apologetically and receive the comment, “Don’t take it personally.” To better understand the situation, you might respond with— “When I heard the comment [insert comment], I interpreted that to mean [something about yourself], is that what you meant?” If the comment was about something you do that bothers them, there may be room to explore further (see below). But, if they say that it had nothing to do with you or they don’t see the connection between what they said and something about yout—try to take their words at face value. You may be seeing yourself in their comment, but that doesn’t mean that they see you the same way you see yourself. This is a great case in which you really shouldn’t take it personally—it’s not about you.
Am I internalizing someone else’s shit?
When someone makes a generic comment about us that isn’t clear, for example:
“You’re an angry/sad/closed off person;”
“You soften your voice when you’re pissed, I wish you’d just yell and scream!;”
“You’re so critical of everything;”
“You might take this the wrong way;”
“This will probably stress you out;”
When we share how we took this (to them or to someone else) we might get the advice: “Don’t take it so personally.” We might feel a little bit lost. They made a judgement about us—how can we not take it personally?
Remember, sometimes people project their fears, anxieties, peeves, and frustrations on other people: what they don’t like about themself, they point out in other people. What irritates them because it seems like the “wrong” way to be/do, they expect to change in other people. What they fear will happen they expect to receive from other people, so they prepare for that reality.
If someone makes a comment like this, ask yourself: Do I see myself as [the thing they see] (e.g. is that true about me?)? If it isn’t true, then they’re simply wrong or have a wrong impression and that may change with time if they have a chance to see who we really are—it is on them to be open to understanding us better through genuine interactions. We can show them they’re wrong through our actions and by responding in a way that is authentic for us (rather than acting the opposite way just to prove them wrong).
If the comment is true, ask yourself: Is this something I like, understand, and accept about myself, or is there something there that I can learn from? If they’re observing something about you in a negative way that you like and enjoy about yourself—try not to let how they feel about it color your understanding of yourself. They can dislike or disapprove of a part of you and that doesn’t mean you need to change. Be yourself. Be who you love and want to be, respond in a way that brings you health and joy—you’re the only person who has to live in your body. You can take their comment personally (as a judgment on you), without letting it break you. Let them know, “You’re right, but I love that about myself—accept it or don’t!” Never give up the power you hold within yourself.
What is my responsibility or part in this dynamic? Is there room for growth?
After someone makes a comment about us, they might say “Don’t take it personally” in order to shield themselves from our reaction. They might be fearful that we will stop liking/loving them, will be angry or sad, or that it might harm the relationship. In this case, it is personal and there might be something sensitive underneath it.
If the comment was related to you or something you’ve done, reflect on how they were impacted by the action, behavior, or dynamic in the relationship—is there an area of growth, vulnerability, or connection underlying that comment? If there is, this might be a good opportunity to learn more about your relationship and how it can work better for both/all of you. You might ask—
How does that impact you when I do/say/act that way?
Is there something that I could do differently that might make situations like this better?
How could I communicate/respond in a way that will affirm/support you?
Sometimes we get so caught up in the comment “Don’t take it personally,” that we never really interrogate the meaning of the original comment. If there is a difficult truth there, it might be worth considering, even if the follow up of “Don’t take it personally” landed poorly/inappropriately.
Was this an Assessment of Value?
Sometimes when someone says something that hurts, judges, or assesses some part of us they say “Don’t take it personally” because they mean , “Sure, there’s something you could do differently but it isn’t about who you are as a person.” What they mean by “Don’t take it personally” is that you’re still a worthwhile, valuable, important person who should feel good about yourself—they were offering feedback as a means of initiating a change. We can consider whether we agree with that feedback and our part (above) without spiraling into self-shame or self-hatred, whcih might look like:
Everyone hates me, I’m worthless.
There’s something wrong with me, everyone will see it, no one accepts me.
I did something wrong, I’m a bad person, I deserve to suffer.
No one respects me, I’ll never succeed, I just want to go hide.
It’s important in conflict to be willing to see where there is a place for growth, without letting that completely destablize us or overwhelm the situation. If we let shame, embarrassment, fear, anxiety take over, we may not be able to be present to participate in the conflict fully, to contribute positively to solutions, to engage in generative change. We can take the comment personally (as a personal judgment/critique), without taking the comment as a signal of our worth. Just like a compliment does not mean we are wholly perfect, a piece of advice or critique does not mean we are wholly wrong/worthless.
Other times, someone says something that hurts and is intended to wound, dehumanize, devalue, or undermine us in a meaningful way. They might say “Don’t take it personally” in order to obscure their responsibility or to put the blame/shame of their abuse on us. In this case, they are in the wrong, they did say something personal, and they are using this as an excuse to further harm or gaslight you. Rather than internalizing what they said and letting it destroy you—defend yourself, know your value, know your worth, don’t let them get away with harming you. At this point, the conflict has become abusive and the best way to move forward is to disengage from them and not let them hold power over you.
In the end… it may be more meaningful to ask:
What does it mean to take this personally?
What changes or what is the impact if I take it personally?
How will the dynamic between us change whether I do or do not take this personally?
Remember, people are often just terrible communicators, awkward individiuals, driven by their own fears and anxieties. Asking what they meant and then deciding for yourself what will help the relationship grow or be meaningful can be more generative than focusing on the (awkward, weird, hurtful) way something was said.
A few of many Indigenous creators I love and have learned so much from (enjoy + love on their works!):
Leanne Betasamosake Simpson (Michi Saagiig Nishnaabeg): https://www.leannesimpson.ca/
Taiaiake Alfred (Mohawk): https://taiaiake.net/
Adrienne Keene (Cherokee): http://nativeappropriations.com/
Glen Coulthard (Yellowknife Dene): https://www.upress.umn.edu/book-division/books/red-skin-white-masks
Kim Tallbear (Sisseton-Wahpeton Oyate): https://kimtallbear.com/
Nick Estes (Lower Brule Sioux): https://nickestes.blog/about/
Stephen Graham Jones (Blackfoot): https://www.demontheory.net/
Many of the authors of Colorizing Restorative Justice: Voicing Our Realities
Thank you for all of these great resources!!!