Today Freddie deBoer responded to claims that he’s transphobic in a post called “on trans issues” (terrible title Freddie!)—I don’t know the source of the claim of transphobia (and apparently neither does deBoer).
However, the post struck me as a learning opportunity for anyone who finds themself associated with a claim of oppressive harm, bigotry, or even interpersonal wrongdoing that we believe is wholly or partially false—especially if those claims are somewhat ambiguous about specific actions.
In these instances, we have many valid reasons for responding to the claim: to address our shame, guilt, or fear; to stem the tide of consequences, including material and social losses; to alleviate backlash that may include threats or harassment; to try to reclaim our name or reputation; to take responsibility; to acknowledge what happened; to try to make sense of it. Many of our motives—understandably—center our own need to put a stop to humiliation, doubt, and material consequences and to defend our essential goodness or life’s work. The problem with responding from that self-centric place (“What do you mean Luna! It’s a claim against me, of course I’m thinking about myself!”) is that we tend to downplay the significant context of trauma, oppression, and violence that are at the root of these claims (“Ope”).
What follows is my advice for a way to de-center our self-motivated reactions and instead center our compassion and desire to prevent further harm.
This is not a guide to “fake” accountability. It should not be used to appease anyone. If you can’t find genuine (authentic, real, deeply felt) compassion and harm prevention within you, then this guide is not for you or for your particular, unique situation.
Guide to Responding to Claims of Harm
1. Privately, speak to your closest, most trusted friend. Vent and process all of your feelings and frustrations (this “friend” may be your diary or therapist).
Feelings and reactions (even ugly ones!) are valid when we’re being told there is something harmful, bad, evil, bigoted, and/or violent about us or our actions. It will be hard to take meaningful, compassionate action without first processing the gut-level responses our minds and bodies are having. Try to avoid self-shame and judgment for responses like defensiveness, frustration, anger, fear, anxiety—this only further deepens our self-centering, by accumulating self-directed pain and discomfort. Ugly reactions are human and also our best selves don’t take action from that place.
Once we’ve talked through these initial reactions and feel more in control of ourselves, we can begin to take steps toward understanding and then responding.
2. Privately, speak to a friend you can always trust to be authentic and honest. Approach them with curiosity and openness: “People are saying that I’m transphobic and I’m having a hard time figuring out why, have I said or done anything that I need to be aware of?”
Avoid tokenizing someone who shares the identity or experience of the person(s) who made the claim—speak to someone who is knowledgeable and honest, but won’t be burdened by this conversation. If this friend says, “No, nothing!” they may not be the right person—don’t consider this kind of response as validation or a pass. Instead, keep having conversations. We can also look through our public-facing content, history of comments to our posts, and recall other forms of feedback we’ve received in the past.
If people share specific forms of feedback (“When you do [x] it has [y] impact”), we should try to respond by thanking them for sharing, as opposed to explaining or defending ourselves. (“But, Luna, I’m not thankful! I’m embarrassed and frustrated!”) Learning to respond to feedback with gratitude is a practice! Within ourselves, we can acknowledge our initial gut reaction to explain or defend or avoid (oh hey, yea, that feeling is there). Then, think curiously about why that reaction may have been so strong (H’m what experience tells me to respond that way?). We can then consider the opportunity this feedback has given us, to be less harmful and more compassionate in the future—understanding of how our actions can change for the better is the source of our gratitude (Whew! Someone took a risk and told me this and now I’ll never do that again! Amazing!).
3. Privately, reflect on what you’ve heard and what you know about the original claim against you.
After having had these conversations and done this exploring, we may still feel there are no specific actions that anyone can point to that “prove” our transphobia, racism, or other harm. We may be thinking “I’m a good person! I can point to all the times I’ve said and done good things that are the opposite of this claim!” or “If you can’t prove it, don’t say it!” In theory, it is reasonable to want evidence of wrongdoing before receiving consequences or a reputation for harm—that is what we’ve learned is “fair” or “just.” It’s also reasonable to want people to see the good things we do and not erase them all based on false, vague, or unsubstantiated information. Unfortunately, so much about the way that oppression is carried out cannot be proven—and people’s feelings, interpretations, and reactions cannot be substantiated with objective evidence. Investigation of claims of oppression and harm are a tool often used by oppressive systems, to deny liability, blame, or injustice. Is that really the kind of response we want to align ourselves with?
We know that systemic oppression is real (well, the people reading this probably do anyway). We know that living within systems of oppression means that every single one of us is impacted by those systems, including carrying biases, misinformation, and ignorance. We also know that it would be impossible to know everything about every identity or culture in order to avoid further entrenching the ideas that perpetuate those systems.
So, unless there is a conspiracy to unseat us from our social or political position with misinformation (“Q” never know these days, I guess*), there is almost certainly a seed of truth behind the claim being made. We have to ask ourselves, what motive do people have to lie about us?
That seed of truth to the claim, may very well be a total miscommunication: we said something stupid and ignorant by accident, we did something that was perceived in a way that we never could have guessed, we spoke about something we didn’t really know anything about and it caused harm, we did something that hurt someone and they didn’t trust us enough to say something at the time—whatever the case may be, misunderstandings and miscommunications have very real impacts. That seed fell into well nourished, well watered soil for harm to grow. We must acknowledge a world that undermines, rejects, dehumanizes, and materially dispossesses people at every turn because of their identities (and the perception of those identities). When a person who is socially rewarded, outspoken, honored, and respected says or does something that reinforces those systems and triggers pain, shame, trauma, etc.—to the person who made the stupid mistake, this was an insignificant moment, to the person or people who witnessed and internalized the mistake, it may have been earth-shattering. They may have trusted us, they may have respected us, they may have friends who trust and respect us, they may simply see someone who is socially rewarded and feel legitimate anger that they themselves don’t have the same authority to speak on their own experiences. Regardless of our intentions, we probably sent a message that someone is less than, insignificant, or minority. To ask them to then go read more of our words to confirm their perception, or to verify the source, is a cruel expectation.
Sex workers, for good reason, use tip sheets to signal to their peers when someone around them is dangerous. The internet is an explosive tip sheet with few fact checkers. The best way to have our names removed from that tip sheet—should we find ourselves there—is to do our absolute best to behave in healthy, caring, compassionate, and liberatory ways.
4. Publicly or with whoever made the claim, affirm the experience of harm and its root causes.
Whatever the claim is, the oppression it is based in is real. The systemic and material impacts of oppression are real. The daily interpersonal experiences loaded with oppressive ideas are real. The emotional and social toll of these experiences are real. The people who experience these impacts—no matter how small they are in number compared to the majority population—matter, are valid, are significant, and deserve better from each of us.
Regardless of the extent to which we feel responsible or have control of a specific harm, we can let the world know that we care more about eliminating oppressive violence than we do about defending ourselves or stopping “cancel culture”**. While being publicly ostracized as a harm-doer can have serious consequences (doxxing, death and rape threats, physical and emotional harassment), these consequences are shared by those who experience oppressive violence, not for any harm they did but for simply being who they are and often for standing up for their rights and their lives. Affirming this reality should be at the forefront of our response, so there is no doubt that this is a systemic issue, of which we are a part.
5. Publicly or with whoever made the claim, authentically take responsibility for our role (or perceived role) in the present harm.
Admit that we have said and done harmful things in our lives. Even if we aren’t aware of the specifics, we recognize our capacity to cooperate with and uphold systems and ideologies of oppression. If we are aware of the specifics, we should take responsibility for what we said or did and own the impact that had.
Depending on the circumstances, we may want to provide a narrative of our experience of what happened. These narratives can be powerful when they acknowledge the source of our mistake (where we learned this, why we did it) and convey what we’ve learned. Again, we should focus on compassion and trying to prevent harm from happening again—this is not a defensive moment but a teachable moment, where others may gain insight and change their own understandings or behaviors.
If we have no idea where the original claim came from, we should not focus on trying to get “evidence,” “proof,” or “source material.” Instead, focus on “I believe that something happened and I don’t know the details.”
If we know for sure that there is a bad actor involved who has a motive and intention to cause us harm by falsifying a claim, we should briefly acknowledge that there is an underlying conflict occurring. Don’t use this as an excuse or cast blame on the people who are sharing misinformation—remember, people shared or spread this information because they exist within, experience, or acknowledge a very real system of oppression that has real impacts. They are guilty of overzealously fighting for justice, in their own way. That is not the source of the problem, systems of oppression are.
6. Take action: Remedy, make amends, or reduce, to whatever degree possible, the harm done.
If there is something we have learned, we should share those resources and information with others. If there are material needs that we can meet, we should do so. If there are ways of combatting this form of oppression, we should redouble our efforts to do so.
Remember—our feelings and reactions to being associated with oppression come from a place of knowing that this oppression is a violent, horrific thing—we must center our compassion and our desire to prevent harm from happening again. That means taking action against oppression and harm, rather than against the people who speak out against it (even if they don’t have all the facts).
6. Genuinely invite honesty about one’s specific actions that can and should change.
Finally, we should be open to learning more about what happened or anything we do in the future. By responding from a place of compassion and a desire to prevent harm, we hopefully show people that we can be trusted with feedback and won’t lash out or take revenge on the people who made a claim against us. We can go one step further by inviting specific feedback, with gratitude for anyone willing to help us be better versions of ourselves.***
*This is a joke.
**I have a post about cancel culture on my instagram.
***Obviously there are assholes in the world who just say mean things—don’t take every piece of feedback as a sign that you need to do more work on yourself! Be vigilant about self-awareness and reflection, but generous toward yourself if you are doing your best to make the world better.
This is super thoughtfully written, thank you!