Preparing to Participate in a Group Process: 5 Tips
Whether we’re preparing for a group mediation, a consensus-building process, a healing circle, a negotiation, or an accountability process, there are a few things we can do to prepare ourselves to get what we need and want from the time and energy we’re spending.
Heads up: I use the word goals here as an umbrella term for any material (tangible), social (relational), organizational, emotional, or spiritual outcome an individual or group might seek from a process.
While goals can hold a lot of weight under capitalism as measurable achievements or advancements, in this context goals can be immeasurable, fluid, visceral outcomes and experiences that we know through listening and questioning during the process itself (such as closure, understanding, repair, acknowledgement, reciprocity, and trust). Goals do not have to be linear toward a higher purpose and can in fact be reducing, backing up, stepping down, moving away from, or eliminating roles, duties, titles, responsibilities, and obligations.
1. Set goals/aspirations for being within the process.
How do I want to treat myself and others during this time?
We tend to think of goals as the result of something, but we can also set goals for the methods (of our behavior) that we’ll use to achieve those results. We all have weaknesses when it comes to being in conflict in groups and being aware of how we want to act during the process (toward other participants, facilitators, or ourselves) can help prevent us from sabotaging our own success.
Some examples of great goals for how we want to be in the conflict are,
I will be honest about something I’ve kept to myself out of fear
I will speak up when my needs aren’t being met, even if it causes more problems/disruption in the short-term
I will control my temper, I won’t bully others into seeing things my way
I will not shut down emotionally, I will remain present
I will trust that others’ perception of what happened is real for them, rather than privileging my own experience
I will be flexible in how my needs are met, by listening and considering others’ points for ways we can all mutually benefit
Once these goals are set, we can ask ourselves what we need in order to be successful in meeting them—simply understanding what you want to do/be is not enough, you’ll need to do some work to prepare. Some things you might need/want in order to prepare are:
An alliance with someone(s) who will back us up in achieving one of our goals
Someone to hold us accountable/draw our attention back to our goal, if we start to act out
To practice being honest with one or two people before the process starts
See our therapist or healer beforehand
2. Set ambitious goals/aspirations for what you want or need for the process to be successful/meaningful and why.
Why am I doing this? What purpose does this serve for me/us/the community? Why should I/we bother?
A well made process empowers all participants to be the most essential element for their own success. We are the experts in what we need and what will work for us. The process will only be successful if it facilitates our communication of those needs.
In whatever way works for you (writing, drawing, meditating, talking it through with someone), reflect on the sentence: “In order to leave the process feeling good/whole/confident/successful, I/we need…”
You’ll find the most success achieving goals that are specific but flexible (explained below). Goals that are centered around internal emotions or experiences should only be those that we can meet for ourselves (i.e. no one can make us feel better or reduce our anxiety, they can only change external conditions that will help us do that for ourselves), or be the framework for a goal that is understandable/achievable for others. For example,
We will come up with a more equitable rent payment agreement that reduces stress on lower-income household members like me.
Too rigid/inflexible: having a specific rent price, regardless of others’ needs
Too vague/abstract: my stress will be eliminated (assumes the process or others have the power to regulate our stress)
Our decision-making process will be more democratic in the future, meaning that we will include and empower all stakeholders, who are [criteria/community].
Too rigid/inflexible: having a written organizational chart and voting process all mapped out and only being satisfied if exactly that plan were implemented. Going into the process without some flexibility assumes that no one else is bringing good ideas or essential needs into the room; it holds our own ideas and needs as superior.
Too vague/abstract: Not having any understanding of our own beliefs about what democracy is or what essential elements about democracy we need for the outcome to be satisfying. When we don’t understand our own goals, we tend to be easily swayed toward others’ ideas or fight every idea, and then find later on that we are unhappy with something we agreed to.
We will have a collective understanding of our core principles and what steps we will take when they are violated.
Too rigid: Everyone will understand Justice exactly the way I do and we will respond exactly the way I want us to (can’t control or know others’ deepest understandings)
Too vague: We’ll have a conversation about principles and what we all would want a response to look like (a conversation is too open, no decisions, leaves open to later crisis—push yourself to understand what responses would meet your needs and which responses would not and why)
The group will acknowledge the harm done and meet the survivors’ requests to the extent possible. We’ll provide specific reasons for what we can’t accomplish and acknowledge our inability to meet all needs.
[Action] will end and we will agree on a new approach that better reflects our labor and social capacity.
I will be reimbursed for the resources I put into this project.
I will receive an apology for the hurtful things that were done to me.
We will prioritize meeting the needs that the community agreed were essential.
3. Break down goals into essential, less essential, and flexible (negotiable) elements.
What do others have to give? What can I give up?
For each goal, write, reflect, draw, or talk through the following questions. Remember that in order for a collective process to work, we have to be open to the very likely possibility that others’ experiences and opinions may bring about a shift in our thinking or priorities. We may feel very strongly that one of our goals is absolutely essential, but discover through the process that circumstances are different than we thought—knowing ahead of time why a goal is important and how important and what those essential elements are, can help us prioritize our time and contributions in the moment when things begin to shift. It’s important to not think of this activity as one that cements your goals, but one that helps you to better understand them and think creatively about what will address them when introduced to new information.
How essential is this goal?
Example: “This relationship/organization/work can’t continue if this goal is not met” or “It would be nice to have, but we’ll be okay if I don’t get this from the process.”
Why is this important to me/us?
Example: “I need some confidence that this won’t happen to me again,” or “This will reduce my stress,” or “We need to do this in order to reduce future commitments that we can’t fulfill, and limit the harm that comes from not doing what we said we would do.”
What new information might change/grow my understanding?
Example: “What was going on in their life when this happened would help me understand it better.” or “If someone saw something that I didn’t see, there could be more to the story or more relationships involved than I am aware of—that could change our resources or what we need to address.” or “Knowing what is most important to others might shift my priority.”
What aspects of this goal are negotiable and non-negotiable?
Example: “Negotiable: We don’t have to agree on exactly what happened; Not-negotiable: We have to acknowledge that harm happened.” or “Negotiable: the timeline; not-negotiable: bringing in new community members.”
What do I need in order to consider this goal met?
Example: “A verbal apology from X.” or “A clear, written plan with verifiable action steps to map our progress, that includes steps to bring in new community members and fulfill previous commitments.”
What will I do if this goal is not met?
Example: “I’ll leave the relationship and ask not to be contacted by them.” or “We’ll have to stop work on this project and I’ll contribute my time elsewhere.”
When we enter a process, we’re always aware that it could fail—for some, we start with certainty that it will fail—and yet we rarely prepare for that outcome. Understanding what success would mean and what compromises we are willing to make will help us see the possibility of success. Making an alternative plan can empower us to stick to our commitments and feel secure about the process—knowing that if failure does happen, it isn’t the end of the world. When we are fearful or sure of failure, we may lose sight of our goals and communicate desperately, harmfully, or erratically, sabotaging ourselves along the way. When we feel we have a strong alternative, we’re more likely to feel secure and confident within the process and are more likely to walk away with our goals met.
4. Answer the facilitator’s questions.
How can I contribute to making this work?
A facilitator needs information in order to plan a successful process—information about how the group is organized, internal culture, central priorities and concerns, the principles they govern themselves by, etc. The facilitator will likely ask questions about group dynamics, fears, concerns, accessibility, and timelines. Some facilitators like to interview each participant beforehand, some prefer to go in without any preconceived ideas (I started out as the former and am now inclined toward the latter)—in any case, they can only do their best work if participants are engaged, direct, honest, and invested in helping the plan come together. Facilitators ask questions for a reason and can only prepare their best work if they have the information.
Don’t think of the process as the facilitator’s work/process—think of it as your process to help you get to your goals. It’s about you/the group. It requires you. It centers around all of those participating. You are necessary for your own success, so be present.
5. Prepare for the work that will come after.
What capacity do I have to act on what we decide/agree to?
A process is a step toward something—it isn’t the something itself. After a process there are understandings to act on, accountability to take, learning to do, agreements to live up to, plans to enact, solutions to develop and make real, goals to strive for, homework to do. It can be easy to agree to things during a process—especially when it’s going well—we’re eager, excited, hopeful, engaged. But, when there is no more facilitator walking us through step-by-step, will we have the capacity, tools, and motivation to enact those agreements? All too often, the answer is no. The reality of life impinges on our ability/willingness to do the things we have promised each other.
Go into a process with an awareness of your limits, capacity, strengths, skills, and motivations. Go into a process aware of what you can and can’t do when the process is over. If you’re ready and willing to do the work—commit to it. Then follow through. If you’re not—go into the process being honest about that, being honest about why, and you’ll improve the likelihood that the group will come to solutions that are doable for everyone.
You got this.
Opportunities to Learn + Act:
Black & Pink are raising funds for their Opportunity Campus which will serve system-impacted LGBTQIA2S youth, see details here.
The #FreeAshleyNow campaign is hosting a letter writing event tomorrow, Wednesday June 30th at 7pm. Register here.
Check out this video from last March, by the Barnard Center on Disability Justice and Transformative Justice: