We all have hopes about how cultural celebrations, rituals, traditions, or holidays will play out. Even the most cynical and hopeless among us can imagine the extravagant delivery of a gift that says they really know me, can envision feeling the handsomest we’ve ever felt, can see ourselves sitting at a decadent candlelit dinner with joyful, loving people, can feel what it would be like to receive a long-awaited expression of love or pride or affirmation. These are the fantasy. For some, those hopes are based in an idealized version of our real experiences: that perfect christmas when we were young, the best hannukah we ever had, a solstice celebration we’ll never forget. For others, these hopes are projections of the holiday we’ve seen in movies or on friends’ instagram accounts, but have never had.
These hopes—and whether or not they are played out—bear the weight of much deeper meanings: am I loved? am I seen? am I valued? have I lived a good, faithful life? have I been a good mother, father, parent, sister, brother, sibling, son, daughter, child, lover, friend, wife, husband, partner? will we stay together? do we share values? do I belong?
Misalignment between our fantasies + reality often come with anxiety, fear, distress—and conflict. We dreadfully imagine the empty dinner table or the table full of people who reject who we are. We’re anxious about the secrets that will be exposed, the fights that will break out, the embarrassments that might occur, the discomfort that might arise. We can imagine that certain person saying that certain thing in that certain way that will tell us what we most want to know—but more than that we can imagine that they never even walk through the door.
Conflict arises when our hopes are dashed or threatened. We just want the meal to be perfect, dammit! Why isn’t everybody having a good time, ffs! What are we even doing here, tbh! How did we even get stuck with these people, of all people, for the holidays?! We respond by trying—and often failing in our reactivities and resentments—to make the reality align with the fantasy, or to punish ourselves or others for not living up to it.
Whatever the holidays bring, they have the potential of a storm of joy and fear, love and stress, hope and anxiety, excitement and grief—because the holiday is holding so much meaning. Below are a few steps toward understanding our fantasies, seeing our realities, and coming to terms with the conflict between—or perhaps, just help us survive these days.
#1—Know Your Holiday Fantasy
Our holiday fantasy is the extreme version of our hope—that experience that we are secretly or subconsciously measuring reality against.
Knowing our fantasy can help us to understand the deeper reasons behind what we’re hoping for and the actions that might stem from our disappointment or fear of that fantasy not being realized.
When I imagine the prefect holiday, I imagine…
These parts of the holiday are important to me because I value [experiences, relationships, traditions]…
When they happen/if they happened, I feel [emotions]…
Because that conveys [meaning/understanding about me, my life, my relationships, reality].
When I imagine the worst version of the holiday, I imagine…
When/if these things happen, I feel [emotions]…
because that tells me [meaning/understanding about myself/my relationships, my life]…
and if that’s true then [underlying fear].
I hope for and fear these things, because ultimately I want/need [specific needs/desires such as love, belonging, respect, agency, etc.].
With this last question, we’re trying to understand: what is this really about for me? what do I feel will be validated if this fantasy plays out? what is missing if it doesn’t? The answer signals what is at stake for us (even if we have no hope of it coming to pass): the potential for joy/happiness/fulfillment if we have that need/desire met, the potential for grief/loss/shame if it does not.
#2—Know Their Holiday Fantasies
Just like you, the people you’re going to interact with over the holiday have their own fantasies about how the day(s) will play out. When your fantasy and their fantasy misalign, there is tension—that tension can become conflict when there is a need for something to change in order for both of you to have your underlying needs met.
Consider the people you’re going to interact with:
What do they want most from this day/these days?
Why are those things important to them? (Think about what they value most).
What are they afraid might happen? Why (at the root) do they fear those things?
In the past, they have tried to manifest those hopes/avoid those fears by [doing these things/making these bids*]?
If you don’t know the answers to these questions, why not send a text or make a call? You might say— “Hey, I’ve been thinking about this gathering and I wonder what you’re most looking forward to?” And follow their answer with, “Why is that important to you?”
*a “bid” is an interaction that we hope will lead to a certain outcome (a “bid” for attention). For example: we might send a vague text in hopes of getting a certain response, or we might plan an event in hopes of having a particular type of interaction develop.
#3—Assess the Alignment of Reality + Fantasy
Based on the fantasy of the holiday for ourselves and for others, we can predict where conflict might arise: the points where reality, our choices, and fantasy are misaligned. Consider:
Based on my fantasy, I am wishing other people would do [actions]…
They have shown/expressed in the past that they will do those things, in these ways [past experiences]… but have shown they won’t do those things, in these ways [past experiences].
When/if I have expressed my wishes, they have responded with [specific actions/behaviors].
Therefore, if I go into this holiday in the same way—I can expect that the holiday will go… [vision of reality based in experience + choice].
And for others, consider the picture they have painted in their mind of how the holiday will go—what meal will be eaten, what clothes will be worn, what words might be said—and imagine what is at stake for them if those things don’t happen.
Based on my understanding of their fantasy, [specific person] is wishing I would [be this way/do these things] over the holiday…
In the past, I have responded to their attempts/bids to access those things by [specific responses that either fulfill or deny their wish]… because… [reasons, beliefs, understandings].
If I go into this holiday in the same way—I can expect that our interactions over the holiday will go [vision of reality based in experience + choice].
Considering this, we should be able to predict where conflict might occur. We are expecting certain things from certain people in order to make this fantasy come to life (even if there is absolutely no hope that they will fulfill that, we are still measuring their actions against what we wish they would do/who they would be). When we experience the misalignment, tensions may arise and we may express frustration, disappointment, irritation, anger, resentment, anxiety, or fear—or avoid the tension altogether by withdrawing, ghosting, or shutting down.
#4—Set Intentions for the Holiday
Now this is what we know:
What we really want from the holiday—and
more than that, what we want from our lives or relationships in general but are trying to make the holiday carry—and
where conflict is likely to occur as we try to reach for those fantasies.
So, we are left with choice: we can decide what to do with that information.
There are infinite intentions we can set for a holiday, but here are a few examples:
Detach the Fantasy from the Holiday
Maybe the problem is that our fantasy holiday can never be played out with this group of people in this place and time. Maybe our family/relationship/community is a wreck. Or, maybe it’s not a wreck but it’s not capable of being what we need for this particular hope/dream/desire to come to life. Maybe we realize we’ve been trying to make people into people they aren’t, or make a holiday into something it isn’t. We can set the intention of living out the fantasy somewhere/somewhen else—to meet new people, go to new places, start new traditions, explore new ides. Now, the holiday can just be what it is—we can relinquish its burden—and we can find our hopes, dreams, desires, and fulfillment in a new place and time.
actions: be present with what the holiday is for now, set goals for a new celebration in the future, work toward those goals over the longer term.
Bring Reality + Fantasy closer together for myself
Maybe the fantasy has been just out of reach. We may find that, looking back, we have self-sabotaged our hopes because we were so afraid of what might go wrong that we didn’t take chances. Maybe we can see that people have been more open and accepting than we’ve given them credit for, and a little bit of communication, honesty, authenticity, or planning might bring about our hopes and dreams for the holiday (and perhaps beyond). Noticing this, we might set the intention of putting in the effort and vulnerability of trying to make at least some of our hopes come true—with an awareness that reality never lives up to the whole fantasy.
potential actions: communicate what we want and need, negotiate how to bring those things about, take risks or be vulnerable with a belief that the fantasy is possible if we provide our truth and full self.
Try to bring Reality + Fantasy together for others
Maybe we’ve been blocking someone else’s fantasy, for reasons we don’t fully understand—or, maybe we didn’t think they deserved it, or didn’t believe that their desires were valid, or that we should be responsible for those desires. Now, we recognize that people close to us have been trying to obtain our love, affection, support, or validation (maybe in less-than-perfect ways), and we have been interfering with that. Maybe we can see that expressing a few boundaries or being willing to leave our comfort zone, could be deeply meaningful for the other person. Noticing this, we might set the intention of meeting their needs to the best of our ability. Maybe we’re open to letting go of some of the past complication and making the holiday about another person’s happiness.
potential actions: let go of old resentments or bring about healing of past harms, meet others’ needs as they have requested, enthusiastically seek out their joy through compassion.
Let go of the Fantasy and Embrace the Reality
Maybe we realize that we’ve been holding on to a fantasy for reasons that don’t make a lot of sense. We wanted what others had because we were trying to live up to a certain ideal—the snow was always whiter somewhere else. Actually, when we think about it, our holiday together is pretty alright. There’s food, there’s people who care about us, there’s tradition—it isn’t perfect, it’s messy, it’s weird, it’s uncomfortable from time to time, but when we stop measuring it against an idyllic experience, the good outweighs the bad. The petty fights have been over differences and disagreements that don’t matter in the end—maybe we can see how a little restraint, a little empathy, a little humor, could make the reality really wonderful.
potential actions: laugh at the mistakes and missteps, accept the quirks and imperfections, celebrate and show gratitude for what’s good, build resilience around discomfort, strategize about what needs to change in order to grow more of the good—but don’t try to control it.
Create a New Fantasy
Maybe we realize that our fantasy is outdated—what we’ve been hoping for or wanting for the holiday has to do with a different version of ourself. Maybe when we think about it, we want something else entirely and we have been going through the motions of trying to reach someone else’s dream. We can set the intention of envisioning a holiday experience that better aligns with what we need and want from our relationships and community—and, perhaps, a fantasy that is (close to) achievable.
potential actions: spend some time visioning, dreaming, reflecting on what you really want and need, explore new activities or traditions that may hold meaning for you now, spend time during the holiday hearing about others’ desires and what holds meaning for them. ask yourself: what fulfills me?
Create a New Reality
Maybe our family isn’t our family, our community isn’t our community, our partner isn’t the right partner for us, or this holiday is not the holiday we should be celebrating. Maybe the fantasy is exactly what we want and need and the reality is never going to be anything close to it—we need a fresh start, to choose our family/community based on who we actually are and what we need. We need to stop accepting less than we deserve. We can set the intention of finding a place and a holiday and relationships that affirm who we authentically are and leave the old behind.
potential actions: send regrets and set clear boundaries that you won’t be attending this year, pursue opportunities that will bring about new relationships and celebrations.
Just Get Through the Days
Maybe our family is our family and the holiday is the holiday and we can have our fantasy-cake and eat our reality-cake too; the cake is a little dry but it’s tolerable. It’s imperfect, it’s messy, it’s uncomfortable, it’s destructive—but we need them and they need us and we’re intertwined and that’s okay. Maybe we have the ability to differentiate the fantasy for what it is and while the ham is being sliced, we can fantasize about a vegan dinner that’s happening a month from now. We can find our joy and our perfection and our ideal somewhere else. We can set the intention of not getting involved in the mess and just being present. Maybe that’s enough for us.
potential actions: attend the event(s), take a break when tensions are high and you feel activated, come back when you feel you can engage in a way that will preserve your wellbeing, don’t show up for conflicts that don’t mean anything to you.
Maybe something else, or a combination of a few.
#5—Align Your Approach with Your Intentions
The thing about fantasies + holidays is that they’re often tied to deeply rooted experiences and beliefs. Fantasies are about our ideals—our ideals are based in our beliefs about how the world should be, how relationships should be, who we should be—those beliefs usually come from our society or sub-culture. Holidays are about culture—what we believe, what we celebrate, what we value, what’s important and worthy of spectacular recognition. Combined, our holiday fantasies—even when we pretend they aren’t there—are significant, deep, entrenched aspects of our identities. “Not caring” about the holidays is just as deep as caring.
Which means that if we want to change our approach, we have to really try. And make some mistakes. Recognize that we’ve fallen back on old resentments and old measurments of what things should be. Return to our intention. Align our behavior with those intentions. All change is hard—but most purposeful transformation ends up being worth it in the end.
Updated 12/23, 11:23pm: I apologize for the quote that was here when the e-mail went out and for the hurt and violation of trust that might have caused for those impacted by the quoted person’s actions. I will look for more updated information when pulling quotes in the future.
Lovely newsletter! Just wanted to point out that Aung Suu Kyi has overseen the recent genocide of Rohingya Muslims in Myanmar.