Hey everyone!
Last month I started writing a series of posts about communication in conflict that I planned to send through the newsletter. What ended up happening was that I wrote way too much for a newsletter! So, I’ll hopefully be sending out a handbook by the end of summer about different communication approaches and types, why we use them, how we can change them if we’re seeing harmful patterns, and different dynamics that we might observe between people taking different approaches. I’ve enclosed a couple of sneak previews at the bottom of the newsletter.
While I’m busy writing, my schedule is also pretty flexible right now to have consultations or conversations with people or organizations who want some guidance, direction, or skill-building. I’ve had the pleasure of talking to a number of mutual aid organizations, partners, and individuals lately about conflicts coming up for them in their relationships and work. It’s been a joy to meet folks and be able to contribute in a small way to the great organizing and relational work folks are doing. If you’re interested, you can request a (free) meet-up with me using this link!
In the meantime, I did want to share a couple of brilliant new resources for you all to look at.
Hope you all are taking care!
-Luna
Turning Towards Each Other: A Conflict Workbook by Javida Ross and Weyam Ghadbian. Free PDF. Essay by the authors. “To get free, we need ways to navigate the hard parts involved in working with others as we build a world rooted in interdependence, regeneration, and justice.”
One Million Experiments by Project Nia and Interrupting Criminalization. Newsletter. Website. A web-based zine project that lets us “Explore snapshots of community-based safety strategies that expand our ideas about what keeps us safe.”
You Are Your Best Thing: Vulnerability, Shame Resilience, and the Black Experience edited by Tarana Burke and Brené Brown. Purchase. “A potent collection of essays on Black shame and healing… a space to recognize and process the trauma of white supremacy, a space to be vulnerable and affirm the fullness of Black love and Black life.”
Communication in Conflict: Toward a deeper understanding of what we say and do during times of conflict, why, and how we can expand our range of skills and approaches. A preview…
Excerpt from Introduction: Most people are aware of three or four main “Communication Styles”: Passive, Assertive, Aggressive (and Passive-Aggressive). In my experience, common conceptions about these “styles” leads to confusion and miscommunication, more than understanding. We tend to think there are three types of people: passive people who let others walk all over them, assertive people who are successful and good, and aggressive people who are mean and bad. Or, we typify others’ communication as passive and therefore unhealthy, aggressive and therefore harmful (which often has racist implications), and assertive and therefore healthy. These (mis)conceptions lead us toward judgment, rather than an understanding of how and why our communications are working or not working…
How we communicate is often learned in the trenches of conflict itself, in the early and formative years of our lives. As a community organizer, facilitator, and conflict counselor, I have observed dozens if not hundreds of communication approaches and methods, that we vacillate between from moment to moment. It would be wrong to interpret these approaches as essential aspects of our being (“I am an avoidant person”), rather we may tend toward certain approaches but these are not inherent to us, but a learned response to our experiences and conditions. When I have the opportunity to listen and observe long enough, I tend to come to the conclusion that an individual or group’s communication completely makes sense—even when it seems problematic or bad on the surface. More importantly, that we have the ability to learn new approaches, when we discover destructive patterns in our relationships.
To try to illuminate my own observations and understandings, I’ve broken them down into five approaches, each with a few common methods. By no means are these all-encompassing.
I understand approaches to be the stance we take when entering a conflict—said another way, this is how we orient ourselves toward the conflict. These are: avoidant, diplomatic, assertive, defiant, and combative.
I understand methods to be the specific behaviors and actions that express a particular approach. By method, I don’t mean that these behaviors are necessarily methodical, planned, or intended. Rather, that they are the means by which we and our subconscious enact our approach.
What follows in this handbook is a description of where we might have learned these approaches and methods, what dynamics might arise from their use, relationship patterns we might see if we over rely on any one approach, and ways that we can utilize other methods and approaches to meet our needs.
Wow, great resources you've shared here, and I am SO excited to see more of what you're working on! Even from a perspective of just getting better at communication overall (not just in reference to conflict), this all seems like it will be an incredible resource!