Conflict or Abuse?
[Abuse is] intentionality paired with power, right? That when someone has more positional power, and then they're using manipulation, gaslighting, threats, et cetera, to control the behaviors of those who are subordinate to them, that would be using abusive power in relationships. The same thing happens where someone who is white or male or wealthy or any other way there can be serious power dynamics in a relationship and they are making use of that power to get what they want with ongoing coercion.
That's different from someone accidentally causing harm by making a misstep, or saying something offensive that they didn't realize was offensive.
The following text was originally posted on the @conflicttransformation instagram in 2020 and has been updated slightly for clarity in October 2021.
Abuse: a singular act or an ongoing dynamic of nonconsensual, intentional violence against another person or being, and/or nonconsensual attempts to control another person or being
Conflict: a natural, continuous dynamic within social environments that signals a need for change
Disagreement: when two people hold different perspectives or understandings about a subject
Tension: a pull, stretch, or strain in multiple possible directions and/or the physical or psychological sensation of emotional strain
Harm: pain or suffering as a result of unintentional or intentional acts
We live in a society that under responds to pervasive abuse (domestic violence, rape and rape culture, oppression and bullying), but overreacts to interpersonal conflict (disagreement, mistakes, problems that need to be solved, differing needs and interests). We often respond to both abuse and conflict with harm if:
no other kind of response has been modeled for us;
our culture teaches us that discomfort and harm are always violent offenses (we are entitled to safety and comfort and if we don’t have them, someone is to blame);
we were not taught about collective responsibility; that there can be larger circumstances responsible for harm, rather than any one individual to blame.
When conflict is not abuse
Conflict is sometimes called abuse because of strong feelings of discomfort in response to:
ideas and opinions that challenge, disrupt, or interfere with our worldview or sense of self (e.g. someone confronts us about our beliefs or integrity and we are unsettled, we interpret this unsettling has intentional violence or an “attack” on who we are); or
people's behavior not meeting our expectations of how we want them to respond to us or to shared circumstances (e.g. I ask for my needs to be met, you say no, I interpret your refusal as abuse).
Dominant western culture has taught many of us that other people make us feel bad—that any situation where we are uncomfortable or harmed is an act of force against us. In particular, we are raised to believe that other people are responsible for meeting our needs: if we ask for something, we expect to receive it. When we do not receive what we asked for, we interpret this as a violation or rejection. We have not learned that discomfort can come from tension within us, growth, or the unpredictable. We have to ask ourselves if those feelings of discomfort were forced on us (abuse) or whether they were brought forward without fault or blame (conflict).
Conflict is not abuse when:
Someone sets a boundary or refuses to do what we asked (unless what we asked is for them to stop interacting with us in a certain way)
We have a disagreement
An unintended consequence of someone doing what is right for them is that we are hurt emotionally
It can be easier to accuse someone of abuse, harm, hurt, attack, or threat than to acknowledge the true source of our discomfort. Marginalized and anti-oppressive people often experience accusations of "attack" when naming the racist, sexist, and otherwise oppressive roots of theories, ideas, and practices. There is a long history of white women in particular accusing Black people of threatening or harming them, rather than facing their own shame or fear. In some cases, these false accusations can be deadly.
In other cases, people with a low tolerance for discomfort may quickly become defensive when a taboo topic or differing perspective is introduced in conversation, or when someone acts in a way that doesn't meet their expectations of what is appropriate or respectful. Rather than engage in conversation or ask to change the subject, conflict will be referred to as abusive, harmful, or harassing and the other person is shunned, silenced, or accused of harmful behavior. These accusations secure the accuser's sense of self and cast all blame on the other party, often leading to further harmful consequences.
When abuse is not just a conflict
Abuse is sometimes diminished as normal conflict because:
we see getting what we need or forcing conformity, harmony, agreement, or change as justifying the means;
our society treats abuse, coercion, surveillance, and control as honorable acts of safety and security.
culture has taught us that other people don't know what they need or want and that forcing them can be "in their best interest."
We have to ask ourselves if we are using force (abuse) or upholding the other person's agency / autonomy (conflict).
A situation is not just a conflict if we are controlling people’s access to resources or information in order to get them to do what we want. A situation is not just a conflict when we are threatening someone into doing what we want. A situation is not just a conflict when we are monitoring others’ behavior, mobilizing our social networks or identities to apply pressure to someone, or making choices on someone’s behalf because we believe we know better than they do.
Identifying Conflict or Abuse
There are some questions we can ask about whether a conflict is abusive, but first we have to acknowledge that abuse is real and often people who have experienced abuse are met with doubt about their experience. At the same time, abusive people tend to find ways to explain away their behavior. Rather than use these questions to assess whether or not other people are telling the truth, we should turn these questions toward our own behavior and experiences, to help better advocate for ourselves or hold ourselves accountable.
*************CW: DISCUSSION OF ABUSIVE SITUATIONS************
If yes to these questions, the conflict is abusive:
Was physical coercion or threat used to intimidate or force someone into doing or saying something they did not want to do?*
I'll call the cops on you if you don't...
I'll [harm] you if you don't...
Were someone's feelings or experiences doubted, in order to raise questions about their ability to make sound decisions or conclusions?
that isn't what happened, you're paranoid
you need therapy to deal with your issues
Was one person's power over the other used to gain what they wanted (e.g. physical power, social status, or authority)?*
It's my house, so you have to...
I can get you fired/kicked out if you don't...
Was someone degraded or treated with a lack of dignity (e.g. personally insulted, diminished, or undermined)?
You're hysterical
You people don't know anything
When someone asked for the situation to change/stop was their request disregarded or dismissed? Were the options to decline, avoid, or leave the interaction limited (by requirement in order to have needs met) or denied through force or intimidation?
This is the only job you can get...
I'll only give you the food if...
Consent is key.
*Remember that self-defense is protection in response to harm, which is different than using power to initiate harm.
Ultimately it is often the case that only our knowledge of ourselves, our triggers, what happened, whether or not we were responsive to the needs and wellbeing of the other person, and our ability to honestly self-reflect on our experiences that can determine whether a situation was an uncomfortable conflict or situation of abuse. Our primary responsibility is to end abuse in all its forms, whether that is the oppressive and interpersonal abuse that is pervasive in our society or abusive responses to uncomfortable conflicts.
If you are in doubt about whether a situation is abusive, please seek the support of a therapist, counselor, or knowledgeable community member to help sort through these dynamics.